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Five seconds and then it's all over... I inhale the smoke rising from the barrel, just to remind myself that it's all real, and to bring it all back into my head again.

Four seconds now... That's where it started, you know, in my head. Some petty belief that I was in control of my own destiny and that I was somehow important enough to choose what happened. Take a look around now, this isn't control, this was never my choice. If you listen closely enough, you can still hear the drip drip drip of the blood running down the wall, but you'd have to stop the screaming first.

Three seconds, and I can't remember quite how I got here, just like I can't remember what happens next. This movie has been playing in my head the whole time, but I think i must have missed the beginning, wasting my time on popcorn and acid. I stood in line for twenty years for this, and I suppose I hoped that it was going to be a romantic comedy with a happy ending. The lump of metal in my hand suggests an altogether darker tale, and I'm not sure I like this ending.

Two seconds, and my view zooms out and I can take in the whole scene all at once. I remember something about revenge, and wanting to hurt something. Is this my motivation? If only I'd tried getting into the characters more, perhaps I would have understood things like motives, and ideals. As it is, I'm struggling with the dialog, and the plot seems so inconsistent. It all changes direction so often and I can't keep up with who the main character is supposed to be any more.

One second, and for the first time I look at myself in the scene, and look at my place in it. I'm the only person here. There's blood, and the distant echo of a gunshot, and I'm the only person here. My eyes really open for the first time, and suddenly I get it. The gun I'm holding is pointing at me, it's my blood, it's my scream, it was my movie all along, and now I know where I'm going.

Roll credits


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