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Every now and again, I feel a great need to just write. Do you know how that is? Anyway, the point is, I feel the need to write a long Adjective-based post (you'll see what I mean in a minute). I doubt I can hold your attention for all of it, but ultimately (no offence) this journal is for my benefit, not yours. If I can concentrate throughout the whole post, then it's a success. I've halved the number of subjects I'll talk on, just because I think 11 is too many... Anyway, here we go - our first Adjective is "Outgoing"...

The Outgoing James on Flirting

It is my learned opinion that there are right ways and wrong ways to flirt with people. This came to my attention last night, when I discovered that Harry's way of flirting was less than... optimal... Anyhow, she decided it'd be great fun to put crushed shreddies and lentils in my hair and ears. I decided that it would not be great fun to be the recipient of such actions. A struggle ensued for a good long while, from which it emerged that I was by far the stronger of the two of us (as I already knew). She came away with a sore hand from my prying it open, while holding it over her head. She was lightly dusted with various foodstuffs. Now, it occured to me this morning that, in fact, that was probably her flirting with me. Life in the flat has taught me the irrefutable lesson that nobody has fights unless they're flirting in some form - James and Lulu (although they aren't interested in each other, I'd still call it flirting), James and Vicky, James and Claire, Mice and Ebs... Her actions supported this theory, since she did it seemingly at random. I class this type of flirting as "wrong" flirting. In my (albiet limited) experience, flirting is done for three reasons...
  1. Bonding
  2. Letting somebody know how you feel
  3. Finding out how they feel
This is good, but for the fact that in this case, the third objective cannot be met. In last night's episode, my reaction was one of "The fuck will I let you sprinkle that shit on me, take THIS!". However, if I were flirting back, I think my actions would have been similar - fighting her. After all, as I said, fighting is a great way to flirt with people you're already close to. Thus, she couldn't possible figure out how I felt from my reaction - as it is, she probably thought I was flirting back. Mixed messages are so annoying... Anyhow, kids, as a lesson, try flirting in such a way that it meets the above criteria.

The Evil James on Revenge

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Whoever said that really had the right idea - in today's world, direct hot blooded retribution, while legally admissible as a defence, isn't good enough. Because, quite frankly, an eye for an eye sucks. Now, if somebody takes my eye for no good reason, I should rather like to take both theirs - the first for the offence, the second for the lack of motive. And direct retribution can only really match the crime - it is difficult to surpass it. Now, on the other hand, if weeks after one person acts against another, that person has a series of bad things happen to them.... Well, that is probably the best thing to happen to them. Additionally, in such a situation, the person's willingness to blame you is somewhat lesser - acting immediately leads people straight back to you, while acting in the future (perhaps after your target has done something against somebody else too) is far less obvious. Bide your time, and it will come....

The Satisfied James on Eating

Yum. Oh my God, I just ate the best meal... I had an Ultimate Sandwich, the recipe for which I shall now repeat, in case people didn't get it the first time. Toast three slices of bread, fry four rashers of bacon, and slice four pieces of cheese. Butter two slices of toast on one side, and the third slice on both sides. Put the double-sided toast between the other two, just for a second, to see how it'll come together. Now, you have effectively got two toasted sandwiches - in each, put two rashers of bacon and two slices of cheese. Spread marmite on one side of each, and peanut butter on the other. What you then have is a double-cheese-and-bacon-marmite-and-peanut-butter-toasted-sandwich. Eat this. Over a bowl, preferably - the amount of fat that runs out is quite phenomenal. Using the last mouthful (preferably before you put it in your mouth), mop up the fat with the toast in said mouthful. If you can hold that last bite down, you are truly a king (like me).

My meal then progressed onto pudding. I figured that since I was eating properly today (cereal and an apple for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch), I'd have me a decent pudding. So I made myself a big bowl of Strawberries, Raspberries, and a small (yes, actually small) quantity of sugar. Absolutely delicious, loved it so much... I then followed that with some chocolate mousses, with a small quantity of brandy mixed into one of them. Absolutely amazing pudding, that.

In short, today has been a second consecutive day of cooking triumph. Hooray!

The Junken Drames on Alcohol

Alcohol is good. I've been giving it thought lately, because I know that at some point in my life I shall just stop getting drunk. Well, I bloody hope so, anyway. It's worrying, a little, because at present, I couldn't imagine my life without at least a fortnightly binge on alcohol. That's what's worrying. Then again, it's only 15 months since I was completely without alcohol - never touched a drop. I can still vividly remember how it was not drinking at all, and I suppose that's OK. Anyway..... The other night, Claire (I think it was Claire) told me that I only drank Brandy to get drunk, and that I don't enjoy the taste. This isn't in fact true - those people who know me will know that if I so much as vaguely dislike the taste of something, I avoid it like the plague. For some reason, foul as it probably is, I genuinely enjoy the taste of a good cognac. They use the fact that I usually have some sort of funny reaction to it to mean that I'm not enjoying the taste (you know, like juddering and stuff). However, that's just because, along with a nice taste, it also delivers one hell of a kick when you down double brandies. Although, I have to say, since downing four brandies in one, I have stopped feeling so nutso immediately after downing just a double. And singles? Easy. They forget that it's the equivalent of a pint of beer, effectively being drunk in a single second, with a hell of a lot less water diluting it. And it's far worse than Vodka, which you can easily drink by the mug-full... They should try it sometime :o)

The Unknown James on The Adjective Army

I love my army. Writing the latest FAQ, I realised that under my effective command are:

The Unknown James, The Mythical Alex, The Maniacal Kit, The Arcane Chas, The Profound Eol, The Inane Dirk, The Random Leon, The Obdurate Ozjish, The Witless Child, The Ambiguous Antti, The himsical Reycov, The Omniscient Blade, The Tenacious Tom, The Ambivalent DMZ, The Farcical Dave, The Melodramatic Muumi, The Oblivious Byers, plus all those who I forget, and in theory, those who have left who may yet return.

Plus, and I think even they've figured it out now, I also have a Pronoun Army, which would include:

Ayrab the He, Evolvedmind the It, Dr Jekyll the Them (although he's less easily controlled than the other two)

Additionally, the following personalities can usually be found doing as I do, following what the Adjective Army do in general:

Mike Klaas, Syrius, Eldeano, Cyric, Outsider, Luc

That is a hell of a lot of people who are pretty much under mine and Chas' command. Because, of course, nothing is ever that simple. My AA generally follow Chas, who in theory follows me. I have yet to issue an order which he hasn't wished to follow, and as such, I haven't tested that. Anyhow, we're going on an Adjectivization in the very near future (i.e. going out with the army to a random newsgroup and battering them with our wit), which should be excellent fun and give our newer recruits a chance to experience what we're all about. Ah, but it's great to have an Adjective Army :o)

James on James

Well, me. Let's see.... Right now, I'm feeling good. I've eaten enough, I have a large following in my cult Army, I'm having a good time here, and all is well. Plus, I just wrote a huge LJ post (i.e. this), which always puts me in a good mood. People respond to them. I like responses :o)

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You always give me something to do when I'm bored . .

I'm sitting here, and I realize I'm bored . . then I logon and look at my friends page . . *poof* There's this huge post . . I scroll down a couple miles and notice it's your picture . . your post, and of course, I read it . . and I'm not bored anymore! :o) You're magical, James :oP


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