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I never asked you how you'd feel, just in case
I went to the shops earlier, not because I needed food (though I did), but just to be outside. For a geek, I seem to love the outdoors an unhealthy amount, and especially at this time of year... It's a month and a half until my twenty first birthday, time really does fly. And speaking of dates, even before anything happened yesterday it was already a really significant date, for several reasons. Quirks of fate, I guess...

And perhaps every experience, emotion and thought have expiry dates, and it's out of our control... Some things were meant to be, but many were never meant to be forever. And then again, you can't tell which is which until you try.

So I went outside, and the moon was the only thing in the whole sky, there weren't clouds, or stars, or planes. Just the moon, in a pale, light blue sky, hanging there. And not for the first time I was left speechless, in awe of the whole scene, as I crossed the road to get back home. Everything was just so beautiful, and you could feel that winter was coming, and that it's going to be getting dark, and cold, and every other thing that people look upon negatively for no good reason. I like the dark. I like the cold. I like wandering around the city at 6pm and it being as dark as night, and just looking at all the lights everywhere. Christmas decorations sparkle in a way the sun can't even begin to immitate, and sometimes if you listen hard enough, you can hear the happiness in people... The summer is all about fun and warmth on the outside, just the shallow exterior, but winter is about fun and warmth on the inside... I can't wait for the dark and cold...

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It is indeed a gorgeous night tonight :)

hey, um... i'm not sure how to put this into words, i guess i should know and i'll probably just procrastinate anyway, but - are you ok? about you and me, i mean. recently i've been getting the feeling that you're jaded. maybe it's my continual self hatred and your continual repetition of the same reassurances that... can't really help me. i'm sorry, and i know i do say the same things over and feel the same things again and again, i wish i didn't. although a lot of the time i think - if i were happy, would i be? do i just enjoy this lingering sense of masochism and self pity i get from being like this? either way, i know it's all about food, and i want to fix it, i'm trying, i have new definite self help group times n stuff, and i'm going...

i guess what i wanted to say was 'i don't want to lose you' in an un-losey way because we dont really 'have' each other. it isn't, you and me isn't, just about sex, or just about randomness. for me. i hope you know that. anyway, blah blah i'm going to be very quiet now and i'll probably talk to you later.

It's fine, you're not losing me :o)

Try not to worry about any of it. Easier said than done, I know, but try, because it's fine...

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