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My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing
I guess I need to look at a few "truths" about myself and re-evaluate exactly what the Hell is going on...

For starters, I tell people "I don't eat". Obviously I eat. I would be dead otherwise. What I really mean is "I starve myself for two days, then get through a loaf of bread in one sitting of toast". And even that's not so true any more... I've only starved myself on a couple of days in the last two weeks, and I've been eating regular stuff at times... My chicken meal thing, the vegetable soup last night (first vegetables in two years, go me)... And I know I talk about how all I eat is toast, but I know I do better than that really... I eat pizza, roast meat type stuff, The Ultimate Sandwich, cereal, take vitamins... And even the toast - it does incorporate pepperoni, cheese, herbs, etc...

Okay, I give up - I'm not shy any more. I still maintain that I'm unable to go up to random people in clubs, and will probably never be able to do that, it's just not me. But that's okay really, it's not something I feel is important in my life. I'd probably only feel cheap if I was capable of it anyway... But that doesn't really make me shy; I can go to a party with many strangers and get naked there, I can talk to random Freshers and tell them to play Ultimate, I can get to know loads of people on the team and get along with them, and I do fine with social interactions these days. It's all just improvisation...

My Body
It's dawned on me that I don't hate my body... Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to join its fan club or something (not that it has one, but you know what I mean). I've just come to the conclusion that I'm actually kinda happy with it. It dawned on me when I was showering earlier - I took off my dressing gown, facing the mirror, and I actually noticed that my body is the shape I kinda want it to be... I actually have a chest (and not in the "Bob had bitch tits" type way), I have stomach muscles, and if I tense up, I almost have a six pack type thing. I have nice biceps, and athletic calves (not in the cow sense). And Rach seems to like it, and that's important.. I guess if a beautiful girl can like it, then it can't be that bad, or something....

I've done all this changing - becoming more sociable, getting more fit, letting go of inhibitions and insecurities, and now I guess I just have to actually acknowledge the difference, and act accordingly. None of those things are of any use unless I actually accept them, I guess... But I think I'm actually happy these days... Maybe I always was, and the unhappiness is an illusion to make myself feel better in the moment. Who knows. All I know is that I'm happy, and I like it :o)

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more productive
not drinking too much
regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
at ease
eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)

It's good to see someone who's finally made it to a situation they're reasonably happy in. You've achieved something quite rare. Congratulations

YAAAY! I'm happy for you.
xx x x x x x x

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