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Of thoughts and reason...
... And something about fudging what one writes so that people can't quite understand it, but feeling the need to write it anyway just to get it out. And then maybe the kids will say it's beautiful or something.

It always tends towards this anyway, and I doubt anybody who knows me is surprised in the least. This feeling of having a thousand motives for every thought and action gets me down sometimes, because it's hard to see where the truth ends and the lies and manipulation start. But it's always been this way, up to a point, and if I'm brutally honest with myself it always will be.

And the thing is, if people weren't so easy, maybe I'd be better than this. But the problem is, manipulation is simple because people expect it, and as soon as people start being predictable they can be controlled, or tricked, or whatever it is that I'm actually talking about (if anybody would like to tell me, that'd be great, thanks). People expect a motive behind everything, so the key is to give them that motive, and let them believe it. While they're off examining your ulterior motive, your actual thoughts are all nice and hidden from the world...

Be deliberately obvious to the point of misdirection, and suddenly nobody tries to work out what's going on in your head because they think they know already. And if only people didn't do that with me, because they should really be watching my head at all times if they want to win this game. And yet nobody does, and the house wins, again. In the long run, the house always wins, because the game is built that way.

And David knows what I mean, because he's seen this all before, two years ago, and it's getting to that point again just because I get bored of being nice. There's a limit to the amount of time I can be bothered playing the game by the established rules before I go off on one, or at least believe myself to have gone off on one. Sometimes I wonder if I exaggerate what runs around in my head, and then other times I fully believe that everybody else underestimates it, and they shouldn't. Perhaps it's all part of the special brand of insanity that I wear, and perhaps I'm not like this at all and only dream it up as a way to find myself more interesting...

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We were supposed to be working out what's going on in your head?

I'm not sure... Some people have attempted it lately, only to meet with horrible failure...

And I don't think anybody would manipulate you anyhow - I for one wouldn't know where to start ;o)

I'm not sure... Some people have attempted it lately, only to meet with horrible failure...

but WHY? HOW?


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