Previous Entry Share Next Entry
My obsession, it's my creation, you'll understand, it's not important now
No prizes for figuring out what album I'm listening to at the minute... I'm celebrating with a bit of Aural Action, because I've made those database mods finally. It took a while, because of the architecture of the old database, but it's finally done. It's all done typically clumsily too, but the important thing is that it works. Now all I have to do is modify the entire structure by making the forms dynamic. That part is going to be harder, but still do-able... :o)

I've been wondering lately what it is I want... But first, a quick diversionary tangent...

I seem to be writing down every little thought I have, and when I don't have anything to write about, I deliberately go off and think things just so that I can write about them. It's as if I'm somehow addicted to expressing thoughts, which isn't a bad thing, but it's certainly weird. I don't honestly expect people to read this stuff any more - I'm well aware that I write more than anybody will ever want to read. But it's just important to me to get this stuff out, so....

So yeah, I've been wondering what I want... I just meant out of life in general... This next year is going to be interesting - I hope to find out a lot more about myself, and about what I'm really after here, because otherwise I might never really know. Ultimately, I think I know what I want. I want to get married, I want to have a nice (not necessarily large, just nice) house somewhere, I want to have a son and a daughter (in that order) and perhaps a third kid of either gender... In ten years, I'll want to be settled, I know that much. I've wanted to be thirty and married ever since I was about thirteen, I'm weird like that...

So it's just a matter of what I want to get out of the years of my youth I have left... I spoke to Chas about it some time ago, complaining (as I so often do) about the social structure that todays youth inflicts upon itself, and the expectations and mechanisms of dating, and how they're just all wrong. I have since changed my opinion on that stuff, but he did give sound advice... He spoke of how, if I really felt the need to settle down, I should just look for somebody a couple of years older than me. Heh, but this is getting into scary territory I would imagine, and that's not really on my agenda. It's just a thought...

The Rachel situation is a weird one... I mean, I've done more stuff with her than with any other girl I've ever been with, and yet she's quite clearly not my girlfriend at all... The closest I've come to that situation was Harry, but that only lasted a couple of weeks, and the whole thing was just really different.. In that case, neither of us was especially into the whole thing, neither of us cared that much about it... Well, until the end when she did, and I stopped completely, but apart from that...

See, ordinarily, I feel the need to seek out a girlfriend, to commit to that person, and to feel stable in a relationship with them where there's lines, and rules, and I know what's going on. And then here comes this beautiful girl who turns that all on its head, and makes me realise that maybe fulfilment isn't as straightforward as just being in a 'relationship', and maybe I can be perfectly happy with something else entirely. And if that's the case, then what happens when I go back to uni? What will I actually be looking for there?

I don't think I'll be looking for just random pulling in clubs, even though it's an ability I'd really love to have just for the sake of it... While on one level, I really want everybody to find me attractive, that's not really going to get me what I want here... Sure, kissing is fun, but so is playing Playstation games, or watching a movie... The real fun comes out of something else - some sort of bond / need / something... And while I've now found out that I don't need some big stable relationship to have that, I know I can't find it at random.

And then I think back to when I was a kid (which is 17 and younger), and I just wonder what that guy would be thinking of all this. I know that up until now, I've not done anything that my younger self would disapprove of (except drinking alcohol, but that's because my younger self was a boring tit)... I just wonder how I would react at age 15 to hearing how I am now. I border on being a total slut, and the only thing that really saves me is lack of opportunity / willingness on the part of most girls. I'd hate to think that my younger self would dislike me... :o\

All in all, I'm just not sure what to do.. I'd go with the flow, but I worry that if I do that, I'll never get anything done... I have to resolve to do stuff, and then (and only then) it happens.

  • 1
If you Google'd that, you suck ;o)

Nope - I picked it up from your previous post where you mention Tesla Girls! I was an OMD fan in my youth!

You forget - 80's music was what I grew up with! Lucky me! :0)

Heh, I'm impressed - I too was a fan 'in my youth' - Sailing on the Seven Seas was one of the first songs I ever really liked... Of course, you'd have been twenty by that time, but still... :o)

Ah, I would have loved to grow up in the 80s... Duran Duran, OMD, early Erasure, Spandau Ballet.... 80s nights at clubs are still my favourites :o)

It was inded a good time for music! I enjoyed it immensely! I have to admit when I saw the Tesla Girls wordage I did wonder what you were listening to!

I was 20 in 1990! Shocking huh! :0)

Heh... I used to collect 80s compilation albums... I think I must have been exposed to more music than I can consciously remember in that time or something...

And yeah, you're, like, a grown up - scary ;o)

Bleh - I'm nothing like a grown up as well you know! I just have a larger denomination for my age group than yourself - or summat!

I'd hate to think that my younger self would dislike me... :o\

I'd probably intimidate my younger self. :) And I'd be appalled that I smoke. Hehe.

Yeah, I think my younger self would be scared of me or something... I'd also really want to hit him, so it's best that the two of us never meet ;o)

hehehe... ditto. with my younger self.

If my younger self met me, she'd probably be amazed at the things that have transpired between then and now, but would be generally happy about who I have become. I think my younger self would be more likely to threaten to beat me up than vice versa, because I was a lot more violent back then. Goodness... I've grown complacent in my old age!

  • 1

Log in

No account? Create an account