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I'll never change, I'll always stay the same, I wouldn't have it any other way
I want to have money. No, really, I do. I like having money.

See, despite the fact that I have a lot of stuff, I still know what it's like to live in a certain degree of poverty. Yes, I have a computer, and access to the Internet, and a roof over my head. But there have been weeks when I've not been able to buy food, or go out, or even travel on public transport because I had no money. So it's not like I've never experienced a little hardship - I just knew that at the end of it I'd be okay (which makes it a lot easier to bear).

The aim is to go back to Uni semi-loaded, at least enough so that I don't need to worry about cashflow. Right now, I have £110 in my pocket, and that feels good. I have another hundred or so in the bank, with any luck, and I get paid in two weeks. Deducting September's rent, that gives me about £1700 for the next term... Ten weeks, that's £170 per week. I rather think that I may actually finish the term with money (for once)...

Plus, I like how I live when I have money. I buy drinks for my friends when I'm out at the pub or a club, I cook meals for people, I can afford to not have to watch every single penny I spend... I can go to Pizza Hut and deliberately order more than I can eat, then go find homeless people to give my left-overs to. That's like the best feeling ever, you know... Wandering the streets of Brighton in the winter looking for people who could really do with some warm food. I do it for selfish reasons, I don't deny that - I do it to make myself feel better about being able to live comfortably, and I do it because I know it makes me look good, and makes me a better person. But so what - ultimately, even if a good act is motivated by a desire to feel good, it's still a good thing. It makes a positive impact on the world. It doesn't absolve me of anything I do wrong, but it makes the world a nicer place, and that's no bad thing, whatever the motive.

Plus, if I have money, it means I can go out lots... I do really enjoy going out, I promise, it's just that sometimes things distract me from it. Mostly girls. I've avoided nights out to stay home and chat to various girls online for too long - I need to quit that. I have a phone, I have free texts, I need to learn to just let go, and leave the house. Easier said than done perhaps, but I'll get there. Yes, I recognise that I'm overly needy and stuff, and I do try to do stuff about it, but it's difficult... As Rachel pointed out the other night, in person I can have all the self-confidence in the world, but online, I'm either a hyper-confident shell of a person that just acts like a tosser, or the depressive emo-style bitch that you tend to see on LJ a lot. Neither of this is good, and neither one is really a true reflection of myself.

It's funny how things change... There was once a time when I was this shy, quiet, nervous little boy in real life, but some cool guy online. Or something... Back in '98 and stuff, I used to be all confidence online but rather crap in reality. Then slowly things shifted, I gained confidence, and Uni really helped a lot, and I eventually became the person I always wanted to be. Capable, confident, amusing (to myself if to nobody else)... And that's the real me, that's who I am. But you have to have balance, because nobody is like that all the time.

So online, I turn into some insecure wreck of a man, because I've got to do it somewhere, and if I do it in the real world then it starts to spoil my enjoyment of life. So excuse me if I go all depressive every now and again, but it's my little release, so that in person I can be the happy, adventurous, naughty, and well-adjusted (ish) person I am these days...

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I stopped giving money to homeless people because most of them do actually have a home. So I don't trust 'em.

I rather give money to an charity so they can use the money to provide food & warmth to real homeless people than giving the money directly to the homeless person.

Hmm, I tend to wander around Brighton at all hours of the day, and there's always homeless people there. I even recognise some of them when I see them. And when I wander around at 5am, I find them sleeping outside, as opposed to just asking for change. So I'm willing to trust that they're genuinely homeless.

And all it amounts to is a few pounds every week. The impact that would make if given to charity is minimal, but the impact of giving half a large pizza (still hot) to one person who is really hungry is great. It's like when I give fivers to people begging, the look on their faces when they realise what I'm giving them is worth every penny...

I like buying things too much to have money. The number of games I have that I haven't finished (or even played) is fairly large. I have tonnes of books that I haven't even begun to look at, videos and DVDs I'll never watch again, etc, etc. I'm having to make a consious effort to try and plan how much money I'm going to have to go to uni over the next three years. If I can start with about £500 above what I get from my loan then I'm on target. Chances of that though are slim.

Have you tried keeping records of what you spend and stuff? It's boring but I was horrified at the amount I draw out of cash machines. I regularly took out £100-£300 while I was at ULH.

Anyway, back to my tree...

Well you're a fool, sir - I don't buy stuff much. The odd DVD is nothing compared to what I know you buy, so.... :o)

Ooh, I'm interested now, what do you know I buy? : )

An N64 with your student loan, various computer games, lots of books, DVDs by the truck-load...

True, I did buy an(other) N64 with my student loan and I will get it out again at some point so Adam and I can play Mario Kart 64 on it. I do buy a lot of computer games...perhaps even more than I have time for. I don't buy that many books though, just the odd programming one that I never read, oh and comics and graphic novels that I do. DVDs by the truck load...maybe not in quite that quantity. I only have 2 full shelves of them. Adam's have to have his room extended for his collection. Or something.

"I do it to make myself feel better about being able to live comfortably, and I do it because I know it makes me look good, and makes me a better person. But so what - ultimately, even if a good act is motivated by a desire to feel good, it's still a good thing. It makes a positive impact on the world."

Heh. How very anti-Kantian :).

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