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Well, I'm bored, and my muse has thus far failed to fill my head with satire ideas (as has been the case since I got back to uni, I have a theory on that), so I guess I should just write something else. Writing is one of the few things that keeps me so utterly sane (or otherwise), so... :o)

First off, my theory. I think in a totally different way when I'm working to when I'm at Uni. As long-time readers of my journal (or anybody crazy enough to read back) will know, usually when I work I take a break from my journal, because I have nothing to say. It's not that I have nothing to write about, I just can't actually get it out. However, this Easter, I managed to get around that by just writing a load of satire, and that seemed to work fine. However, it was still very much the case that I'd either write while at work, or not at all - I rarely updated my journal from home at all. However, when I'm at Uni, I'm online all day, but just can't bring myself to write anything creative. It's weird.

I'm not sure where that's going, so I'll just change the subject. I have a couple of irritating character traits that I guess I should talk about (just because I've yet to do that in the two years I've been writing this thing). So, without further ado, it's time to discuss ego, and perfectionism, not necessarily in that order.

It's funny to think of myself as a perfectionist - I rarely strive for perfection in anything these days, or so it would appear. Certainly from an academic point of view, this is not the case - I'm lazy and stupid most of the time. However, appearances are often deceptive - I'm only a perfectionist with regard to those things I feel passionately about - writing, art, music. Maths is just numbers, and I find it hard to care.

Earlier on, I was recording songs, as you do. I grabbed my four-track recorder, and recorded Summer Wind Was Always Our Song. Bass, rhythm, lead... Took the time to get every single one right. It all came together really well, one of my better recordings. But then I had to record the vocals. And remembered the previous times I've recorded it. Specifically, that I can't f'ing sing that song. So I deleted the whole thing.

Not just the whole thing. I deleted every recording I'd made today. And flung my microphone across the room into the wall, all because I was unhappy with one vocal track. It's stupid, I'm so temperamental sometimes. Then there's the LJ style I was working on earlier. Because one part of it didn't come out right, rather than fixing that part, I just deleted the whole thing and gave up on any plans to do anything with it.

It's really annoying - I'm feeling in such a creative mood. But nothing I do will please me, and I'll just get more and more annoyed at myself. I could try drawing, it's a while since I did any manga or anything, but I'd never be happy with it anyway... I'm half tempted to just put together another online test for a laugh, and see if it takes off like the last one did. Heh... Only, then I'd get all those moron 14 year olds posting on my journal with "u r hott" comments, and I'd just have to cry.

Which leads me on to the second topic - my ego. I don't quite know why people think I'm egocentric, apart from the fact that I act that way. But surely everybody sees that it's just an act, don't they? I mean honestly, how anybody can take me seriously really is beyond me. I only strut around with supreme confidence because if you act confident, nobody questions you, and you don't feel so insecure. It's not really me though...

Nobody seems to get it... The pictures? Just me desperately wanting somebody to say something nice about them. Likewise the videos and stuff. I'm not self-assured - I'm just as insecure (if not moreso) than anybody else. The confidence that I have comes out of desperation, a massive desire to change how things are in my life. If you act confident, confidence comes with it, doesn't it? Well, in a sense, that's the case - not psychologically, but behaviourally. I'm still not confident, but I've gotten used to acting it.

Like last term, where there was me and a load of maths students in a room, and I was the most chatty one. Or on trains, when loads of people are standing up. I'm always the first person to just think "fuck it" and sit on the floor. Over the five minutes following that, everybody else does that too. I'm the person who's willing to break the ice. It's a funny thing, given that I never used to be - I was always too shy. Perhaps people are right when they say that I'm not shy any more. I'm not sure when that change happened, but I suppose I'm not coming across as shy any more, so....

Anyhow, the I don't want people responding to this trying to reassure me or boost my confidence - I'm doing just fine thanks, the fake ego serves me well, and I'm secure enough in myself for the minute. My point is just that by nature, I'm not as secure as I make out, as some people have known all along... Ho hum...

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I hate to say this, but a fake ego never ever serves anyone well. My fake super-ego has brought me nothing but trouble.

Mine seems to have worked fine thus far :o)

But you have to remember that all things eventually bite you in the ass. My huge ego bit me and caused me to hurt my friends, my family, and my then b/f. However, in the end I am a better person for the mistakes I have made :)

If you check the post though, you'll notice that I'm talking about a false ego, nothing I especially need or believe in.

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