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Canada Not Losers Any More

TORONTO, Canada (BLX) - In a move that has been widely condemned by sports fans and human rights activists across America, Canadian armed forces have occupied northern regions of the United States of America, in an attempt to curtail the latest wave of terror to sweep through their nation.

This military action comes in the wake of a statement by Andreas Dackell, of the Montreal Canadiens, describing the very real threat that the United States poses to Canada's national sport, and indeed to their very existence.

"After we beat them in Salt Lake, they seemed really pissed at us. They're probably gonna practice real hard and beat us next time"

Coming only days after a survey revealed that Canadian confidence was at an all-time low, these seemingly harmless words sparked off a mass hysteria, leaving many Canadians fearing for their national pride, and gold Olympic medals.

In response, the Canadian President.. Uh.. Prime Minister.. Erm.. King? (note to editor - find out who the Hell runs that country and correct as appropriate) declared that America is a state that contributes to sadness and unhappiness in a sporting context, and passed a law enabling Canada to act against what has been referred to as an "Unimaginable Evil".

Following the invasion of Canadian ground troops into American-controlled areas, door to door searches have begun for any items which could conceivably contribute to Canada losing in the next Olympics. Citizens who claim that this is a blatant violation of their God-given rights as Americans have been instructed by their Canadian occupiers to tell it to somebody who cares.

While World Leaders have been swift to condemn the actions of Canada, its actions have led to conclusive proof that the US has been planning to win in the next Olympics, and thus destroy the hopes and dreams of an entire nation. Among those items captured in dawn raids are 142 projectiles (hockey pucks), 52 blunt instruments (hockey sticks), 3 sets of armour (goalie kit) and a training facility (ice rink) whose existence had previously been denied by officials.

Canadian "Leader" please-insert-name-here-when-we-find-out has made a public statement to the United Nations, telling the world that operations will continue until this threat to his country is extinguished completely. He cited the millions of Canadians whose happiness and well-being is at stake as justification for his actions, and explained that he "just couldn't stand those fuckers winning any more medals"

While other nations have poured scorn on this latest tactic to ensure Canada's happiness, the United Kingdom, in a typically sycophantic move, has placed strategic groups of soccer hooligans around Europe, with a view to monitoring and potentially disrupting hostile training activities. Following the defeat of Liverpool in the European Champions League last night, officials have been quick to defend their actions. Said a spokesperson for one of the specialist Hooligan Units,

"The wankers beat us, and left over a dozen scouse tossers feeling really tee'd off. They're taking the mickey, and we're going to twat them."

The Brits also considered oppressing Australia for a few years until the Ashes are won again, although the government has yet to endorse this plan, explaining that

"We can't send troops out there forever, and frankly, that's how long it would take"

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This would've been so much better without the Canadian "Leader" equivocation bit... :(

I honestly can't think who the heck governs your country. I know it's not a monarch, that bit was taking the piss, but I can't remember if it's a president, or prime minister, or both.....

Our 'leader' is the Prime Minister, who is currently Jean Chretien.

Thought it might be a Prime Minister... At least I didn't automatically assume you had a president ;o)

Excellent. Thoroughly excellent.

And funny too

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