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Freelance Journalism at its most Senseless
Thought Police now recruiting
Saturday 23rd February 2002, 11am GMT
By James Webley, Freelance

Perpetrators of evil thoughts are today being targeted by a government commission, intent on bringing them to justice, a leaked memo reports. Under new laws to be unveiled by the government just as soon as they believe they can get away with it, people will be obliged to undergo regular screenings for evidence of what are being termed "Anti Democratic Thoughts".

The memo from the Home Office detailed plans to monitor the population for cruel and/or mean thoughts, and makes provisions for dealing with those who think them. Welcomed by victims everywhere, it has come under a predictable attack from civil liberties groups, who have accused the government of being "fucking morons", and "right wing lunatics". The government has responded by arresting key figures from said groups, and are holding them under the ominously flexible Anti Terrorism laws passed after the events of September 11th

"As the democratically elected representatives of this country, anybody found disagreeing with the government is clearly acting against democracy, and we must do everything in our power to ensure that they are unable to spread their evil" - this was the response from one Home Office spokesman, and there has thus far been no further debate on the subject.

The new policies would create a comprehensive legal framework for the government to bring in specialized units of "Thought Police" in order to track known liars, bigots, and radicals. Plans for their treatment and subsequent rehabilitation were vague, but mentions were made of death camps in Birmingham and Leeds for the most heinous cases (Government spokesmen refused to comment on why these two locations were chosen, and whether it is related to the high proportions of brummies and tossers in these areas).

"We have to stop this new brand of evil before somebody's feelings are hurt," Brian Sloan, Chief of Thought Police, told reporters on Friday. "After the tragic events of September 11th, we were made aware of a growing number of people whose thoughts are not in line with our policies." He further added that schemes such as Mind Control were currently in the pipeline, and that once those were brought in, the nation would understand quite how good an idea the Thought Police are.

Sloan later retracted his comments on Mind Control, in what this reporter can only describe as a calm, emotionless voice. He then went on to categorically deny everything pertaining to Thought Police, Government proposals, and the second world war in general.

The "Thought Police" amendment to human rights is expected to be brought into effect within the next year, and the government is due to launch a poster campaign next month centred around the slogan "Behave, Or Else".

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Okay, don't ask me about "if you say that!" But I was going to say, that if you add Radiohead to that, then the thought police become the Thoughtma Police.

Also, I was going to say that I took your quiz, and explored your page, and I am amused by you. Would you like a glass of milk?

ahah... very entertaining.... although probably more true then not.. hehe ;-)

just wanted to tell ya that you have a nice pic. you look like a model.
you seem really cool too.
bye now.

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