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(Private) I always meant to copy these up
Entries from my book from way back in the past. Where I put the things I was afraid to keep in my head in case I lost them...
Why is it that you meet somebody perfect for you, you initially become friends and then they become reluctant to go further because of that? What sort of logic is that? The reason you're friends is because you're so damned right for each other.
Of nothing but this
My thought but for an instant
A reality to become for eternity
Falling into place as if inevitable
Sometimes, when things get really bad, it's nice to retreat back to a few certainties. Simple things, and not many. Many certainties means more chance of uncertainty. It's not a conscious thing, but it's a feeling you get from ignoring where you are, what's happening, the past, the future. Then one of the things you thought was certain is no longer like that. Somebody you love and rely on stops being that person. It transcends relationships - this is who I turn to when those go wrong. The buck stops here. And now I no longer know them. Suddenly I can't escape because I feel lost in my own sanctuary. If I do wrong, I can no longer rely on "You idiot" responses. No more moral indignation, no more external sconscience, no more purity. No more
Thoughts on Saturday Night
Well, was it wrong? No, I don't think so - both consenting adults, making their own choices. Was it fair? Well, again, not really. I put her on the spot (although she didn't seem to mind). On the other hand, she doesn't want a relationship, and I'm fairly sure I do. Or do I? After all, when you look at what that would entail, it is a lot of effort. Maybe just friends is better - although that precludes the possibility of anything happening ever again - not good. After all, she was completely honest with me about the non-relationship thing, and I told her I didn't mind. And anyway, I initiated every single stage - I can hardly fault her for that can I? Then on the phone she sounded, well, different. If she wants a relationship, great. If we go back to being friends (albeit closer friends) then that's also good. However, if one of us can't resolve our feelings, then that's bad - lord knows how things could end up. And, at the end of the day, everything that happened is my fault, whatever comes of this
I'm writing this down, so I can put it behind me. David doesn't think I can forget, but David underestimates my rather odd little mind...
People cheering, my claddagh, telling Karen I'm staying two extra days, lying in St Stephen's Green with my head in her lap, eating way too much ice cream, going on the train with her, going on walks past a ruined tower, going to see Ballylinan water pump, buying a new plane ticket, going out during the eclipse, freaking her out by giving her a funny look, walking through the fields and trees at Howth, seeing her ex on his bike, mailing Benny, eating pork chops, chatting to Charlotte and Lisa, Karen feeling ill, getting pizza in Dublin, finding a shop she couldn't find, buying The Man Who, giving her £40, Mr Tickle backpack, standing at the station, sitting on the swings, reading my book, watching The Holy Grail, listening to More Than Us, looking up shoes online, telling Lisa I was ill, leaving Karen at the station, buying a new ticket for that day, calling her from Dublin
And with one more entry, that's you out of my life forever you lying spiteful Scottish bitch...
"You know what hurts most? It isn't missing what we did or had together, or just before. It's remembering going downstairs on a Saturday morning, and talking to some friendly girl whose ICQ messages were yellow on green. Watching the whole relationship slowly evolve in e-mail, with us starting as friends, and growing closer. It was so great to know I was falling in love..."
Yes, with a girl who showed no interest in me until I sent her that picture of me from my holiday with Ben and Oliver, who lied to me, who cheated on me, and who messed up my life. The other day, I found my passworded folder with all my stuff from back then in it. But I can still remember the password - curse not being able to forget. So I opened it, and played "yay.wav". It was her voice, and it said
Why do you always have to say it first? I love you *giggle*
I listened to it, and for the first time in ages, I really believed that she loved me. Which made how she treated me and what she did all the more worse. I asked people if I should put it all behind me, the good and the bad, since I can't have just one of them. Dan and Simon both suggested I forget both, and I decided that I wanted to anyway. So I now say goodbye to my past - it's now in my journal, and I need never think it again.

Bye Bri, Alex, Karen. If I can't take the good without the bad, then right now, I need none of you. Let's see how I work without my past for a while, eh...


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