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Gabby's Homework
OK then, she has to do a persuasive talk type thing. So here we go...

The Legalisation of Murder

A debate by James Webley.

Reasons For Legalisation

1. Improving Quality

For a long time now, the chief cause of murder in the United States have been firearms offences. Once you legalise murder, and give the citizens a means of killing legally, you can begin to impose controls on how they achieve this, and can turn murder into a far more humane activity. Firstly, if Murder were legalised, one could then make guns illegal for this purpose. After all, they're not very fair. In order to give murderees a sporting chance, the murderer would be required to wear a rubber chicken suit, and be armed only with a sledgehammer. We believe that the murderer won't miss his gun, because he'll get to dress up, and walk around looking hard. And believe me, if you've ever seen a guy in a chicken suit wielding an overly large hammer, you'll know how scary these guys are - no doubt the murderers will enjoy looking fearsome.

If we further legislate such that murders committed in this way are penalty-free, but murders committed any other way are punishable by the death penalty, then it should give people sufficient incentive to start following these rules. All murders will require the victim to first be rendered unconscious in a humane way, using either an anaesthetic, or just a powerful whack with the hammer. Once unconscious, the murderer may then slay them brutally, without fear of legal hassles afterwards.

The upshot of this law is that in subsequent years, after society has been adequately conditioned to follow these rules, you can illegalise chicken suits. In fact, eliminate them from the country completely. Society will be so used to the suits being a component of murder that they'll never be able to return to violent crimes again.

This proposal will improve the quality of existing murders - making them easy to see coming, and humane (since the victim is always asleep). Who can possibly argue against making murder more humane, and stopping idiots with guns, eh? Can't be a bad thing...

2. Police Action

Another factor to consider is that of the police - if you almost entirely remove illegal murder, then thousands of homicide detectives will be able to direct their talents elsewhere. This will boost the economy of the country due to increase donut consumption, and retailers will enjoy a boon in sales which can't be a bad thing. With fewer murders, the police can concentrate on the real crimes, including (but not limited to) rape, emotional blackmail, and the Spice Girls. Can't be a bad thing...

3. Improve Behaviour

We anticipate a change in society's interaction between people if murder were legal. After all, would you insult a guy if you know that at home, he may well have a chicken suit and a very large hammer? I'm thinking not. If people know that a brutal slaying could just be around the corner, they will be nicer to each other, and live life to the full. They will enjoy every day as being a special day, because hammer-inflicted death could be just around the corner.

It would also improve the fitness of the population. Government employed chicken-men could walk the streets, encouraging everybody to flee, thus giving them much needed exercise. Entire communities could be galvanized into regular exercise by the presence of clearly marked murderers on their streets.

Long Term Effects

Well, you're gonna have a lot fewer people, aren't you. And in today's Capitalist America, that's good - fewer people means more money per person, obviously. But this would also mean the death of capitalism - after all, who would resist the temptation to legally and brutally murder Bill Gates, for example? Executives would be forced to live in fear, and would as a result try to live their sad, empty lives in a more fulfilling way so that when their horrifying deaths inevitably come, they can at least say that they enjoyed their time.

Oh, and there would be a lot fewer school teachers. Can that be a bad thing? I rest my case....


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