Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Previously on Neighbours..

-- Recap

Elle: Please, feel free to destroy me emotionally, whatever you want to do..

Paul: Okay, stop calling me Dad, I don't know you, call me Paul so as to reinforce the emotional distance between us in every scene

Elle: Okay *cry*


Davo: I enjoy sliming all over people, and performing for your husband

Susan: I am so into that

Davo: I say "Bang!" and then kiss women, to remind them of what I want


Susan: That wasn't in my character's nature, but who knows these days? the script!


Elle: Permit me to provide exposition on the Paul storyline - specifically, that his memory is conveniently circa 1987, when he played a character people could actually relate to in a show people liked.

Harold: I wish I could go back to that time too.

Elle: He can't remember his bad behaviour, the writers have used a reset switch to end his current storyline!

Harold: I don't know that that's how it works

Elle: He's still the same 'dad', because this scene actually takes place before the one in which he tells me not to call him Dad, even though it appears out of sequence in this recap!

Harold: We cannot escape continuity, it's too funny for him not to find out eventually what really happened in his past.

Elle: No-one is telling him anything, no way, nuh-uh, can't possibly happen, I can't imagine how something like that could ever take place.

-- Titles

Doctor: Thanks for coming back, thus undoing the scene at the end of the last episode where you stormed out (we didn't show that in the recap, but if we had, it would have undermined you coming back anyway). It works out for the best, since this way we get to have this conversation in this episode, having already established the significance of what we're going to talk about at the end of the last episode. Are you following?

Frazer: I'm in a wheelchair.

Rosie: I love Frazer.

Doctor: As I said earlier, off-camera, this is your spinal cord after your accident, and this is why you were a cripple. Here's your spinal cord now, you're not a cripple, you're just crazy. You can walk again.

Rosie: So there's no reason why he can't have children?

Doctor: I was going for the walking thing, but sure, he can do that too, way to support his needs rather than your own.

Rosie: That's fantastic!

Doctor: To reiterate, he can also walk. Seriously.

Rosie: Isn't that good news honey? I never call you that!

Doctor: It's wonderful

Rosie: So why can't he walk? I wasn't listening when you said he can walk. Why can't he walk?

Doctor: To reiterate, he's crazy. In the head.

Rosie: I fail to comprehend.

Frazer: I'm crazy. In the head.


Toadie: I want to remind the audience that I used to be friends with Billy Kennedy, and further remind the audience that he called his son Jackson. See how we reference the good times in Neighbours to escape the fact that it's bad now?

Steph: To Jackson! Yay! Did I know Billy? Did our contracts overlap? Does it matter any more? So have you seen photos?

Toadie: I found him on MySpace

Adam: Hello, I'd like to introduce my character.

Toadie: You are a builder

Adam: My name is Adam

Toadie: I date Steph, even though she's out of my league.

Adam: Fat to meet you.

Steph: What's your storyline then?

Adam: I'm going to be working on your gaff, I'm English, you'll have to close the bar for a week.

Steph: A week? I was kind of hoping two or three days, since I wouldn't be working on the show for that time anyway, so it won't make a difference. Now I'll have to spend time on another set, with an actual storyline.

Adam: Tough. You're changing the name of the bar

Steph: Yes, but it's a secret.

Toadie: I'm in the dark.

Adam: Let me know when you want me to arrange the big reveal. In the meantime, I'm out of lines but I want to stay in shot, may I have a drink?


Pepper: I'm describing a random man called Sean, I can only see in terms of stereotypes, so I'm just going with generic Irish qualities.

Janelle: I can only interpret your description as a leprechaun.

Pepper: But he's lovely

Janelle: A lovely leprechaun! Wow I'm witty, I wish I still had sons..

Pepper: This somehow relates to my father, with whom you were sleeping, see how I reinforce the relationship between our characters? I'm apparently looking for a father figure, but my sentence trails off as I...

*Pepper bumps into Adam*

Adam: I'm using this incident as an excuse to look at your breasts

Pepper: I'm being hostile as a means of flirting with you

Adam: I like your breasts, now I'm going to fade back into the background

Pepper: This is the sort of man that I usually attract, see how my point is proved and how this entire incident sets me up for a further scene with him later in this episode?

Janelle: I'd like to tell you he's attractive, so as to give you the opportunity to demonstrate that you're in denial.


Frazer: Even though I know this is all in my head, I'm still not clear on why it is that I can't walk.

Doctor: It's in your head.

Frazer: So you think I'm faking it?

Doctor: No, it's in your head. I don't know how to explain it any other way. What's more, I'm only a spinal doctor, so I can't help you any more. I'll send you to a shrink. But, even though I'm unqualified, I'll leave you with the parting shot that this is probably due to an emotional trauma. Have fun unpicking that one!


Elle: My character likes to shop

Paul: My character agrees, because he's likeable now

Elle: I'm reminding you that you're different now, and have demonstrated by buying different clothes to those that you might ordinarily acquire.

Paul: You don't suppose that, since I've lost 20 years of my life, I'm buying clothes that are too young?

Elle: I evade your questions with proverbs.

Paul: I am old

Elle: Stop being negative

Paul: Tell me more about the wife I emotionally abused but don't remember

Elle: I've told you everything that your character needs to know at this point

Paul: I disagree, you've only told me she's fine, how long has it been since we caught up?

Elle: I'm telling you it's been a long time, even though she was only in the show about a year ago.

Paul: How long are we talking?

Elle: Actually, I only mean months, not a long time at all..

Paul: Please call her for me, I want to open this can of worms

Elle: It's technologically impossible to reach her. I'll placate you with empty promises.


Janelle: These pictures of a screaming ball of flesh are gorgeous, what an adorable baby your son has with his cross-eyed girlfriend, wife, who knows?

Susan: I'm trying to remind you that Billy is my son, and that I used to have a family that people could believe in.

Janelle: My son has a baby too, that's how Harold and I are related. Permit me to slate your baby, knowing that Harold will agree that Sky's baby is cuter.

Susan: Billy's baby is cute

Harold: Not really. I'm not meant to be in this scene anyway, bye

Janelle: He is cute, but mine is better. This is how I'm introducing the fact that I want to enter her into a pageant.

Harold: Oh, maybe I am meant to be in this scene. I don't think that's a good idea.

*Pepper enters*

Janelle: How's the date?

Pepper: Didn't happen, at least we won't have to pay an extra. I've been dumped, again, why is my life so bad? If only I could find a good man.. Bloody leprechaun!

Janelle: That's what I said.

... meanwhile ...

Susan: Karl has cracked

Davo: What are you talking about?

Susan: Permit me to provide you with some exposition, he said he told you that we're actually married, you liked his honesty, and you're going to keep him in the job.

Davo: O RLY? I heard something different, here's a story that nobody will believe, in which Karl did not admit anything to me.

Susan: I will make him pay. Goodbye.

Davo: Pepper, I'm sorry for fancying Susan over you.

Pepper: I'm desperate, date me!

Davo: Great idea, let's have a drink

Pepper: Janelle, goodbye, here, you can keep the focus of this scene now.

Janelle: Wow, she's good. Oh, hello Harold, now we can continue what I started with the baby pageant remark earlier. Except we won't, because it's the end of the scene.


Frazer: I suspect the doctor is lying, because I can't walk, and he must be on the take. Maybe it's aliens. This explains everything!

Rosie: No. He said you could get a second opinion. And I know him to be decent, despite only having shared one scene with him.

Frazer: Are you calling me a liar?

Rosie: No. He said you're crazy, not a faker.

Frazer: I was just beginning to accept that I'd be crippled forever. I'm so disappointed to learn otherwise.

Rosie: I know you are. But the good news, in case it needs to be spelled out, is that you will be able to walk again. So how about I get you a shrink?

Frazer: No, I have to do this, even though thus far I've been unable to. Thanks for your help though.

Rosie: WTF? Don't turn on me, how dare you?

Frazer: I'm sorry, even though I did nothing, and I'm the cripple here so cut me some slack!

Rosie: You'll face this and deal with it

Frazer: I'm afraid that it will lead to a big revelation which might jeopardise the emotional stability of our fledgling relationship.


Toadie: I have rendered your child unconscious, you may continue to serve drinks as a backdrop to somebody else' storyline

Steph: Great, hello Adam, have some drink.

Adam: I don't drink, I'm clean cut!

Pepper: I'd like alcohol for my date please. Do you know Davo?

Toadie: Vaguely.

Pepper: I'm neurotic, I'll just babble a bit

Adam: As a Brit, I use the word "muppet"

Pepper: See my face flood with hostility, I obviously dig you

Adam: I'm Adam, I am immune to your slurs

Toadie: I agree with Adam, you should tell Davo if you don't like him

Pepper: I'm a woman, I'm too complex to do that.


Susan: I'm faking a phone call from Davo to make Karl think he likes me.

Karl: What's going on?

Susan: He's invited me to a hotel room to shag

Karl: Unbelievable!

Susan: I'm pretending to agree, and trying to draw out your lie

Karl: I'll call him and straighten him out.

Susan: Give up, you're an embarrassment, and you're old.

Karl: I don't understand.

Susan: I totally bought Davo's ridiculous story earlier, and I'm using it against you, in spite of how implausible it is and completely against my ordinarily sound judgement.

Karl: I have no idea what you're saying, shut up woman

Susan: I am outraged at your lies, even though I freely admit that that's all you ever do to me.

Karl: You stupid woman, I told him the truth about us, you have been misinformed.

Susan: No I wasn't, I am the only person qualified to know the truth. I already told Davo the truth.

Karl: That's inconsistent with the version of events that I've experienced, off-camera.

Susan: You mean you didn't tell him the pack of lies he passed on to me?

Karl: No, I think it's a stupid story anyway. He's tricked us!

Susan: o noes, we gots pwnzed!


Pepper: Sounds interesting

Davo: Oh, it's not, here, let me tell you while the guys from Little Britain come into shot behind us.

Pepper: I'm speaking, but the words don't matter, because the camera is really following the hilarious Matt Lucas just behind me as he leaves his wheelchair to play an arcade game, which was surely the sole reason that Steph bought the game in the first place - just to set up this story.

Davo: I'm speaking, but I'm not even in shot because we're watching Harold talk to David Walliams about something. Now the camera is back on Pepper to show ML on the bike, then back to me so that you can see Toadie behind me figuring out the whole situation with an overt beard-stroke. Now I'm saying something sexist.

Pepper: I do not endorse your sexist views.

Adam: Pepper seems to be signalling us

Toadie: I don't understand

Steph: Me neither, I'm sure they're having a great time.

Adam: I think she needs help.

Toadie: Good evening, I've come over to see how you're going, mostly so that Matt Lucas can be seen in shot returning to his wheelchair. How's your date Pepper?

Pepper: I'm unable to be straightforward, so I'm going to say it's fine.


*Frazer tries to walk, but has forgotten he is crippled, and falls down*

Rosie: Why are you on the floor?

Frazer: No reason, go away

Rosie: But..

Frazer: I'm disproportionately angry, kindly vacate the area!!!

Rosie: Just give it time

Frazer: But I can walk, they said so, why should I wait? I thought I was mentally strong, but it turns out my brain can't walk, so I must suck.


Paul: Hello Harold

Harold: Hello Paul, how are you?

Paul: I'm hungry

Harold: Oh well

Paul: You know Elle, right? Can I trust her?

Harold: This is a trick question, yes?

Paul: I'll reiterate, as if that helps - can I trust her?

Harold: I'll state facts rather than give answers, because I cannot tell a lie

Paul: That's unhelpful

Harold: Well I can't answer, my beliefs prevent me, ha! I win.. But she does love you..

Paul: I'm perplexed

Harold: Goodbye


Harold: Elle, your father knows you're a liar

Elle: srsly?

Harold: Stop lying, he knows you're keeping things from him.

Elle: I know best. I know him better than anyone, even though you Harold knew him for years, and I've only known him since I came into the show, but we changed that in the past, and retcon'd a relationship.

Harold: Goodbye.


Davo: I kill dogs for money

Pepper: I do not condone this lifestyle. Let's leave.

Davo: Let's have sexual intercourse.

Pepper: I'm making excuses

Davo: I don't care

Adam: Your friend needs help

Toadie: She said she's fine, and as a man I took her at face value

Adam: She's clearly not fine

Steph: I will resolve this situation. Pepper! Your mother has randomly called this bar, and needs to talk to you.

Pepper: Thank you for saving me.


Paul: Did you call Gail?

Elle: Lies lies lies lies

Paul: I seek to expose your lies by identifying holes in your story

Elle: I will evade your questions Dad. I mean Paul. See how I reinforce the emotional distance here?

Paul: I don't trust you.

Elle: What are you talking about?

Paul: Something else entirely, not you

Elle: I believe you. Now I should leave.

Paul: At this time of night? Even though you do run a hotel, which is 24/7 by nature..

Elle: Yes, that's the point, how did you not realise that yourself? Do you want anything?

Paul: A snack please, I told Harold I was hungry earlier to set up this line. Here, I'll give you the money for it, so you don't feel you have to take your bag with you, so that I can go through it.

Elle: Bye.

*Paul steals Elle's phone and laughs at the complexity of modern handsets*

Paul: Hi Gail, this is your answerphone, but here's how you can get in touch with me in future, so that we have something for the next episode.


Pepper: My mother is dead or something, I need to leave

Davo: I'll drive you

Pepper: No, you're too drunk to drive

Davo: Okay, you drive, I'll sit in the passenger seat and you can give me a handjob between gear changes

Pepper: I'm not sure how to turn you down, because I play head games

Davo: You're a liar, I'm going to rape you

Pepper: Let go of me, I'll kick your ass, even though a few weeks back I couldn't even overpower an old lady

Adam: Leave her alone

Davo: Fuck off

Pepper: Yes, fuck off. And you, get your hands off me before I hurt you

Davo: Okay, but first let me push this English chap for no apparent reason. Oh noes, he has me in a headlock!

Pepper: Let go of the rapist, you bully!

Adam: He's asking for it, much like you!


Davo: I intend to alert the local constabulary!

Steph: No, we'll falsify evidence against you and perjure ourselves so as to ensure that your suit fails.

Pepper: I'm feisty! I do not appreciate you defending me!

Adam: Obviously!

Pepper: I'm referring to your muscles now, but I don't fancy you

Adam: I'm responding in a flirty manner to make you more angry

Pepper: Stop smiling!

Adam: I like you


Janelle: I'm taking the baby away

Harold: Okay, but I am suspicious. Are you entering her into a competition?

Janelle: I don't know why you'd think that, apart from the time I told you before..

Harold: Oh, no reason

Janelle: I'd never do that, it's both tacky and tasteless, and thus out of character for me

Harold: I'm sure.. Sky is on her way now to stop you. Return the baby please.

Janelle: Oh, okay, bye. Oh, hello Davo, I'll beat you up if you come near Pepper again, because I'm hard.

Davo: I find that attractive, and we've already established that I like older women, how about we have sex sometime?

Janelle: I'm leaving in silence.

Karl: Hi Davo. I told you about Susan and I, yes?

Davo: Yes

Susan: But you said he didn't.

Davo: In addition to being a rapist, I'm also a liar.

Karl: Why would you do this?

Davo: For a laugh. You still have a job.

Karl: Then all is well.


Pepper: I think he broke his nose

Rosie: Provide exposition, who is this man, and how do you feel about him?

Pepper: He's not interesting

Frazer: Hello ladies!

Rosie: Hi

Frazer: I'm popping out, don't follow me. Bye

Rosie: It's frustrating not knowing what's stopping him from walking

Pepper: It's obvious - it's you. You're doing this to him, because he's afraid that you only like him for his wheelchair, so he's staying crippled. You're his criptonite! The end..