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Ugh, guilt...

Why do I do this? Actually, I know why - because I'm, as David would say, a slut. Or something. As Laura puts it:
"you have an unquenchable desire for affection and recognition from another being"

The worst thing is that she's probably dead right. Since I've been flirting with her more or less constantly for the last ten months, she probably knows me better than I know me...

I don't like that. Somebody like me (i.e. unattractive student with emotional issues and low self confidence) shouldn't really be flirting. Hell, I shouldn't even be able to flirt successfully. But I seem to manage it anyway. I mean look at the list - Becky, Laura, Jo, Hannah, everybody else in the Manchester crowd... I know that was a while ago, but I was a shameless flirt, and was called such.... It was bad.

Then I got good again. I stopped coming onto everybody present, and felt a lot better about myself. I didn't feel like I was playing with anybody's emotions any more, even though I never had been.... I occasionally take flirting too seriously, and have a bad habit of assuming that everybody else does - I thought they might be taking my flirting to heart, and got all worried about hurting somebody.... With the exception of Laura, there's nobody left that I ever flirt to (not even Jo).... Which is how I liked it.

But now I'm being an asshole. And that's not so great. I've fallen in love with Jen, and that fact is the foremost one in my head, yet at the same time, I'm flirting with her school-friend. What the hell is up with that? Can't I just leave well alone? Well, apparently not. According to David,
"you flirt because you love the attention, its a fun game.
you do though, you flirt for the love of the game as it were :)
you kinda get off on the whole 'oo she likes me' "

Bah... I don't want to be an attention seeker. I want to be a nice guy who doesn't upset anybody. I know that flirting with Gabby last night managed to make Jen jealous, this should be easily sufficient to make me stop. I'm not trying to make her jealous, really I'm not. But I honestly can never help myself. Like (although in no way the same as) with Jen in the first place - I knew she was with Tony, but I still flirted with her, and then BAM!, I'm in love with her, and I really couldn't stop then. Why do I get like that? Hmph.....

In other news, I get the feeling that I come across as too arrogant lately. Being in love, and being loved, generally boosts my self confidence. And then suddenly I like who I am, and like talking about me, and I come across as being some sort of self-obsessed asshole. And that's never good. I mean shit, earlier on, I managed to "casually" drop into conversation the fact that I came second-to-top in my entire graduating year group last year. The other day, I pointed out to somebody that I vastly exceeded the grade requirements of the two top British universities. What the fuck is happening to me, eh? One minute, I'm nice, normal, average James, just as I like it. Suddenly, I'm letting things slip. It's a slippery slope towards last year. Being that quiet little genius that nobody especially talks to because they think that with brains comes some sort of superiority complex. If I thought I was so damned superior, then why the fuck do I aspire to be more "average"? If I thought myself above those assholes, then why do I try to fit in? I just give up.

It's totally futile trying to be somebody else. But I know that being me is stupid. At Uni, I never do any work, never attend lectures, never do anything.... Do they think this is because I'm lazy? Well, partly. But then again, part of it is through a deep desire not to succeed. Because the minute I start doing well, there's the pre-judgement going on. They suddenly think "Hey, he thinks he's so smart, fuck him". I hate that. I just ignore doing work, because then it gives me an excuse to do badly....

Bah... I wish I could change me to somebody who doesn't flirt with people in a way that could hurt somebody, and to somebody who didn't have to keep his ego in check every 5 seconds :o(


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