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Dear Chris,

Could you settle a family argument which threatened our tranquility last week.

I am a man of strong physical urges and regularly like to satisfy them by clamping my lips firmly over the mouth of my seven year old daughter, and extracting a kiss of some passion. I find this both pleasurable and comforting, yet my family will keep trying to pull me off and threaten to report me to the authorities.

Surely this simple action causes no harm, so long as my daughter is dead, which she is, and frankly if anyone has any complaining to do it should be me, since the taste is in the 'acquired' category and is getting worse with every snog.

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Absolutely nothing to do with this entry...

So there I was, walking down the town to get my two bottles of Pepsi Max Twist (89p for two 500ml in Woolies dontchaknow) when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a hairy faced man in what can only be described as a sit-down cycle and on his trailer a triangle shaped advertising board promoting the newly rebranded Co-Op in Thame.

Upon closer inspection it was Ben Delve, sporting rampant facial hair, cycling around the whole of the centre of Thame at 5mph looking the worst for wear in his camouflage shorts. Bless him. He must have been doing the rounds for a good few hours because I spotted him at half eight this morning and this was at about three when I saw him again.

How sure of that are you? I only ask because according to him, he lives in South Wales with his wife and daughter..

Well I saw this chappy again this morning (sporting the exact same clothes as yesterday), so I'm guessing I'll see him whilst on my lunch this afternoon. If he is, I'll take a picture on the dog and bone and send it to you.

Good good, because this is certainly not in line with the way he's presented his life.. :o)

Darn it, I didn't see him at all yesterday. I swear it was Ben!

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