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Conclusion: I am a twat
Ahh, I'm good..

I've spent the last two hours learning how to do recordsets in Access, and I already have an application far superior to anything I've coded database-wise in a long time.

It's weird, I'm very aware that there's a conflict between my ego, and the part of me that's less self confident.. I'm very much aware that there are those people who have a lot of faith in me, especially at work. In terms of both my current job, and my current project work, my name was put forward by people pretty high up, who think that I have the ability to make a real contribution.

And yet, whenever people actually tell me about the faith they have in me, there's a good chance I'll throw a joke at them out of sheer inability to come up with any other response. Those people I don't know so well, I tend to joke that I'm thick (which can't be a good thing), and then with the people I know better, I joke that I'm a super-genius and can do anything (as the people in Change Delivery can confirm).

I mean take today, for example.. in my evening meeting, I made more than a couple jokes suggesting that maybe I can't actually do anything at all. Hardly confidence inspiring. And then I made another joke or two where I pretty much said that I can do anything, and that nothing is too difficult for me. Again, that's not going to inspire confidence in my abilities, if anything it suggests that I don't know what I can do.

And then there's the stuff with the interest calculation that I do with Change Delivery, where (for whatever reason) I end up exaggerating the "know it all" angle. It doesn't reflect well on me, or on my judgement in assessing my own abilities.

The problem, I find, is that the truth lies nearer to the "I can do anything" end of the spectrum than the "I can do nothing" end.. Much nearer.. Conceited though it may sound, the truth of how good I might be will tend to come across as me just being a know it all tosser. So I either go the other way to counter that, or exaggerate it so that people don't take it seriously.

Pop psych 101..

Where that leaves me.. well.. the danger with the truth is that it'll make me look a bit of a twat, but none of the alternatives are so attractive either. If I'm honest about it, then at least I'm a twat who knows his own abilities and can give people a reasonable idea of what to expect in terms of deliverables.

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gah, scary. I do the exact same thing. (my god, I've been using the internet thing too long. I swear I used to be able to form articulate sentences once. Honestly)

To people who don't know me I'm just a self deprecating joker, but to anyone who does know me I'm a complete smart arse who more annoyingly actually knows as much as he brags he does. It's great when people who don't know me ask me to do something and I dazzle and amaze, but as you say I'm sure it's not good to be seen bashing yourself down.

But the way I see it we suffer from the same problem. Hey, we can't help it if people aren't as smart as they have the potential to be. Is it my fault I know everything? no. Ok perhaps not everything, but I inherited from my father the ability to talk in an informed manner for hours about a subject of which I know nothing.

There's a new guy in our office now who is blatantly much smarter than me (well, he got loads of a* at gcse and has a degree, pfft), so I enjoy quietly underminding him. It's not my fault, I keep telling people I'm a git but no one believes me. Besides I know inside me that I could have got three As at alevel and a first in my degree, its just that I didn't really give a toss about either.

Now I'm prattling. Leave the poor man alone Simon..

great journal...very sharp.

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