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(no subject)
2012
unknownj
I wish my moods weren't so changeable

Specifically, I wish I had better control over exactly when it is that I feel like shit

But I don't

And yes, this is all attention-seeky, but damnit, everybody else does it, and aren't I just like everybody else?

F**k this. :o(

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heh. i feel shite too. gad. *hug* wanna talk?

*hug*

I'm okay really... Do you want to talk?

you're okay really? *dubious face* then why did you post? for the adoration? :P and... i'm... always... stuck. like this.

Well alright, I'm not okay, but I'll cope, and it's nothing that talking is likely to fix any time soon.. I'm just stupid, and stuff, that's all....

stupid about what? and why? and in which circumstances? (and you look sooo yummy in that photo :P)

Oh, just my head playing games with me, torturing myself by thinking about things that aren't good for me, that sort of thing... Just generally fucking myself up.

(sarcasm? or do you actually like the picture?)

which things that aren't good for you? about yourself, or your friends, or your life? or is this one of those nice long afternoon projects where one thought leads to another a little bit further down and you end up so fecking depressed.

(:O no sarcasm. don't you think you look yummy?!)

Yeah, pretty much.. You know when you just start thinking bad things, and there's nothing to take your mind off it so you keep thinking bad things and go through all these worst case scenarios about everything in life until you wish you were dead? Kinda like that.

(i don't think i look especially yummy in it, no... but i figured i looked okay enough to show it to people, just about. but i still think it looks a bit crappy)

heh, yup. i think for me its just a dull sense of... the same food routine over and over. like i can't break it. i keep trying but i just can't... and that gets me down. like, maybe i'll never get better unless i do it the messy way - just trying and trying every day to eat normally until i get fatter and fatter and fatter, like they keep telling me i will to start with, (apparently your body goes nuts if you finally eat everyday and stores it all for the next starvation episode...) and eventually you start to level off more and more until you get back to... normal. then i can start losing weight 'healthily'. :S the thing is, i don't want to do it that way. if i did, i wouldn't be able to see you for months. and i'd spend long tracts of time hating myself.

and it's so hard...

(and i think you look stunning. your body really is so toned and lovely... you just look... sexy... anyway.)

I know... But what's the alternative? Is there a better way? :o\

I'd give you up for a few months if it was what you had to do, it would suck, but if it'll make you happy....

(i still don't like that picture that much - my face looks wrong, my hair is too flat or pointy or something, my smile is awful, and my body is, as usual, shite. oh well)

my alternative, that i keep trying, is to starve for a few days until my body looks ok, then try eating normally. thing is, by that stage, i'm so hungry i just have to eat more than i planned. and i fuck up. which, now i've written it out, looks like the most implausible rubbish... what was i thinking? heh.

so, i have to decide... no jamie for a month, at least, maybe two, or more eating disorder...

(and i don't care what you think, you really do look so so so good... *humps chair*)

It doesn't look that stupid... But if it doesn't work... :o\

Anyhow, y'know, it's your choice and stuff, and if you make your mind up, I'll not try to stop you.... :o(

(damnit, if i look that good, come hump me then)

but... then... i wont see you... :( i mean, remember? thursday was supposed to be our 'last' time together for a month or so, then we plan next tuesday...

i don't know what to do. :S heh. i feel this is a running theme...

I know...

Well, like, the first step would probably be to go to that thingie you were going to go to last night... And talk to people about it... And see where that takes you.

And I wanna see you on Tuesday. I have to show you around Brighton, and go clubbing with you, and sleep while holding onto you :o)

i know... oh, i'll decide tomorrow. heh.

That's what you'll say tomorrow :o)

andselfishlyidontwantyoutodecidebecauseiwanttokeepyou

(i suck, see?)

yep, you suck lots :P

and even when i do eventually realise it's the only way i can get better and tell you i can't do anything else, you'll go all emo on me and mope. which will be so very helpful :P

and... i'll spend nights lying there wanting you and hating me... which is why right now, my current, if tortured way of life is... preferrable...

Thanks, because I don't already feel like a big enough piece of shit as it is.... You have no idea how guilty I feel for all of this, and at the end of the day, it's all so thoroughly futile anyway, because I'd like you whatever size you were, and the knowledge that I'm still responsible for you starving yourself makes me want to die for doing that to you.

but! but! no. it isn't just you! i guess you're just... holding me back somewhat... and if i tell you tomorrow 'i'm not coming on tuesday, or for 2 months' you'd feel awful, and so would i... but at the end of the day, it's my decision to starve for you, not yours. and i know you might not mind if i was a little bigger, but i dont think i could bear to shower with the lights on, let alone have sex... so...

i come to the end of the paragraph, once again, undecided...

Well it pisses me off that I'm holding you back because of something in your head, because that makes me the problem, but puts me in a position where I can do nothing about it... And I hate that I'm the problem here, whether it's down to you or not..

well... you're also not the problem... because the only reason i don't spend every day with you is my weight... i can't starve myself *all* the time... despite wanting to... and i do it sometimes, before i see you, because then i can, and that rules :)

so... i'm sorry. but i guess... there's nothing i can do.

I know... and I'm sorry for getting all angry about it and stuff when it really isn't helping, but it just frustrates me sometimes... You know how it is :o)

*kiss*

*kiss*

that's ok... i can imagine it would be... hideously frustrating, actually, now i think about it. god damn me. one day i'll sort it. and we can hang around alllll day long :)

That would be the best thing ever :o)

:D yus. i don't think i can not come on tuesday...

I misread that and almost had kittens ;o)

It'll be great.. we can just hang out and be a bit normal for a while (in between big public displays of affection :o)

I just looked at that pic of you nekkid again, it's so cool! & very cheering. methinks to cheer yourself up you should look at it! feel better soon oh lovelylovelylovelylovely person =D
buhbyeeeexxxxxx

*lol*

Believe me, seeing my body is the last thing that would make me feel better....

But you've made me laugh, which is a good thing. Thank you :o)

You rock :o)

xxxxxxxxx

can i have your naked pictoor? i know i've seen the real thing live, but it'd be nice to see a reminder. :P

Pah,

give it till your about 25 then the moods may stop because yuss males dont stop going through all that bumpf until they're like 25 apparently

&anyway rar be happy for you are very near to going back to uni and to yay'ness... i think

::shuts up::

::huggles::

heh... now i feel old before my time...

And yes, this is all attention-seeky, but damnit, everybody else does it, and aren't I just like everybody else?

no... we're in clusterfuck, so we're much cooler than everyone else.

or something...

Holy elongated kleenex, BatBoy, you're right!

*adopts the I Make Country Music face*

No, wait... Are we a Country band?

i really, really hope not. :/

Oh dear, musical differences already..... ;o)

we have musical differences already... like, we can't play any.

(or is that musical disparity? teeheehee)

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