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Don't kill me for my honesty
2012
unknownj
Nothing profound, it's not my style. Just a few things I should probably say at some point, somewhere, so why not here and now?

I'm one of the most emotional guys I know. Ultimately, that's why David and I get along - we're both the most codependent, needy, pathetic people we know, I think. Or used to be - we kinda both evolved out of a lot of that, more or less at the same time, so we have that in common too. But this is about me anyway, so yeah, I'm way too emotional for my own good.

I fall in love with everything. People, places, ideas... The most dangerous of which is falling in love with the idea of being in love, which tends to lead to mistakes. I've made at least two mistakes because I was so desperate for love that I didn't notice that I didn't actually feel it. I like to think I learned from those mistakes, but you never can tell.

In my life, I've looked four people in the eye and said "I love you", and I meant it every time. Mostly. It's a tricky thing - I think each time I've said it, it's been before I meant it, because the lines are so blurred. But it slowly becomes true as I get more and more involved. Or I convince myself that that's the case... The idea that I just fool myself into thinking I'm in love is one of the few that can actually keep me up all night worrying. It hasn't done in a long time though - I'm more sure than usual at the minute.

I can also be a right devious little shit sometimes. I'll lie and emotionally blackmail people to get my own way, and I always do. I'll put on all manner of fronts if I think it'll help my cause, whatever that might be, and I do so without much remorse. When I do start feeling guilty for being a manipulative little bastard, I go forth and warn people that I'm like that, and that I'm sorry for being like that. Sometimes I do it just for their sympathy, so that they think I'm opening up to them, again because I'm a manipulative little bastard. Sometimes it's genuine, just because I hate messing with people.

A few confessions... Firstly, no, I'm not gay. I'm not even bisexual, fun though the idea is at times. Ultimately I'm easy, to an extent, so that's not to say that I'm unobtainable to people of my own gender - it just means that ultimately, my heart is really looking for girls. I like girls.

Second, and while this is common knowledge it should still be included in a post about honesty - I made it to twenty without ever having sexual intercourse with a girl (or with a man, ever). And it's a fact I'm kinda proud of. I've still only done that with people I was in love with. The notion that I'm a slut is something of a myth that I perpetuate just because I act like one with regard to certain things. It just seems more fun that way... But yeah, I tend to place a lot of importance in.. that.. Largely because I built it up emotionally over the years of not getting any.

I long for 'proper relationships' a lot... When it comes down to it, I'm a guy who lived with his girlfriend for a month and loved it - it really suited me. Cooking together, sleeping together, watching TV together, just spending all our time with each other and never getting bored of it... The idea of a shared life with the right person is one of those ideas that I'm totally in love with, I guess...

But right now, I recognise that that's something for later on, and that I'm in a unique position to enjoy my life and that that's what I ought to be doing. So that's what I'm trying for now...

And finally, the other thing that scares me about how freely I fling my emotions about and depend on others is where that ends. When things with Mel ended, my feelings kinda just evaporated within minutes, and meeting Rachel the next day cemented that. I like to think that that doesn't affect what we had at the time... It's the same with Karen really - my feelings there have just kinda gone away, they left a long time ago... With Jen it was different - while I don't trust her, don't want her back, and tend not to really think about her, I can still say I love her. Not in that way, but I still have deep feelings towards her. That's what I think of as being 'true love'... Where things can end so messily and everything can go so wrong, and at the end of it all you still love them, even if you don't want to be with them.

When all's said and done with Rachel, at the end, I have no idea how I'm going to feel. Whether it'll all just go away again, or whether this is going to be one of those things that stays with me for good. I know that emotions aren't a matter of choice, but if they were, I know which I'd pick...

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it's freaky how alike we are in some ways :)

We are?!

Scary ;o)

just an idea, but maybe because i don't say it back, it's different - you don't have this big romantic situation (that you probably love) with me going 'i love you toooo!' cue violins. and so all our times together are... bittersweet?

.. in love with love and lousy poetry ..

In many ways, I'm glad you don't say it back... If you did, that would only lead to expectations, which in turn lead to disappointment... (doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy if you did, but you know what I mean)

You and me is weird... it's like, so different from anything else I've ever actually been through, which is why it's difficult at times - I've not been taught how to handle a lot of this stuff yet, I guess

Re: .. in love with love and lousy poetry ..

i don't think you'e supposed to be able to handle this stuff... i think what we're doing is about as atypical and fucked as it gets. well, ok, not that much, but it's pretty... up and down... so i don't know how to handle it most of the time, i just let my emotions (or lack of) dictate me. which is probably why we have conflict... heh... but at the same time, i keep wanting to spend time with you, and i do love you in a friends sense... because you know how much being your friend means to me. ohh... i try and explain... and suck at it. heh.

Re: .. in love with love and lousy poetry ..

Heh, you don't do so bad

You know that I never question the friends stuff, right? Like, that part is totally separate, kind of, and whenever I get into my "fuck her, the bitch" type stress-out moods, it's not that I don't want to be friends with you still, because I do. It's kinda like the difference between online/text you and in-person you... Or something.... Like, you're two people, and the one who is my friend is somebody I'd never want to lose. Y'know..

Re: .. in love with love and lousy poetry ..

you get in 'fuck her, the bitch' moods?! :O

Re: .. in love with love and lousy poetry ..

Probably not as often as you think I do, but sure.

Why, would you rather you couldn't have that effect on me?

Re: .. in love with love and lousy poetry ..

hehe, uh... damn you and your twisting :P i'd rather i didn't provoke those things in you...

Re: .. in love with love and lousy poetry ..

Really? But you seem to kinda actively seek to make me get like that sometimes.. I get the feeling that a lot of the time you test to see how far you can push me....

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