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I'm Guided by a Force much Greater than Luck
2012
unknownj
Today's amusing news story tells of a plan to copy-protect this year's a-level certificates. Apparently, heat sensitive ink, ultra-violet and various other measures will be employed in order to ensure that the certificates are originals. What amuses me is that I don't even know where my a-level certificates are. I think they might be in the filing cabinet at home, but I couldn't tell you for certain. I can't say I especially care where they are, either - it's not like they mean anything anyway.

It is my (grossly under-informed) opinion that any qualification becomes invalid after three years, simply because it will be largely irrelevant. My Chemistry a-level is a bit pointless, since I don't really remember much of it - sure, I can tell you a bit about electron orbitals and a couple of organic mechanisms, but beyond that, I haven't a clue any more. Similarly, my Maths a-level it utterly useless, since I've just done two years of a degree on it and could do the a-level stuff standing on my head. My qualifications are either no longer applicable, or they have been superceded. How quickly education loses its meaning...

I have, once more, been marvelling at the Sliding Doors nature of life. On one level, I kinda object to calling it that - naming a theoretical scientific principle after a movie which just popularised it a bit is rather daft. Then again, it did star John Hannah, and was all-round really good. So perhaps that makes up for it... Anyway, I used to think along these lines quite a lot before the movie - that's part of why I enjoyed it so much.

Anyhow, my point is this - it's funny how different things would be right now had a couple of innocent looking events been changed. Looking at major events, I very nearly applied to UMIST instead of Sussex Uni - that would have totally changed my life. It's kinda weird to think about what it would have been like for my housemates had I not gone to their Uni... Mice wouldn't have had a close friend at the start of the first term, Harry and Alex would have had a much more boring first year (although they might have preferred that to what they actually got)... All other things being the same, Jimbo would probably still hate Vicky... On balance, I doubt they'd be better or worse off overall...

Then there's more recent events... A few weeks ago, posting an innocent(ish) windup on David's journal, which managed to coax a response out of Rachel. Had I not done that, or had she been asleep, or had she just not bothered responding to it, I wouldn't know her today. I would never have contacted her the next day, and never have met her, or any of that stuff. In even more immediately recent stuff, there's last night - I'm not exactly sure why I sent her a message just before I went to bed (read: had a nap in the kitchen), but whatever the specific reason, it was a good move... And then one message I wrote practically as just an afterthought to something else I'd said prompted such a great response... I'd try to describe how it made me feel, but I'd end up even more of a walking cliché than I already am... :o)

So yeah, I was feeling good last night. This whole weekend I've been on an ego downer for some reason, not quite sure what that is. My self-esteem is never that great, but it usually seems easier to hide it behind a sarcastic, self-confident exterior. After all, I am by my very nature a compulsive attention seeker, and this is something I can't help. But to my mind, being an attention seeker who desperately needs approval and validation from others is just going down a road that I don't want to travel - the constant "do you like me?" style conversations that I'd have with people, the whole fishing for compliments thing... I dunno, I just don't want to come across like that. So it's just easier to be Mr Confident, because people like confidence, and if you pull it off, nobody questions it. I mean, I am confident, I just have low self-esteem. It's a complicated situation.

Regardless, this weekend I've been more Me than usual, thus the chinks in my little protective armour grow to be embarassingly large gaps. Heck, yesterday, I went up to my room, started playing some slow ballads on the guitar, and it started raining - you don't get much more angsty than that. Mercifully, after a few compliments last night (Sarah, you rock) and then the great texts from Rachel, I'm back to my happy normal bouncy self - I can once more believe that I may not be the single least attractive and/or interesting person on the planet. Trust me, sometimes I wonder :o)

Hmm... I have BLX ideas... Should write them down....

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