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As a follow-up to what I said before, and given how painful that seminar was (having to sit there nodding along is never especially good fun...), I ought to expand a little more on it, and show that it's not as depressing as all that...

See, yes, I really dislike AI. I think it goes into more depth than I care to know. I'm not looking for a job that will involve these complex techniques, and the techniques themselves are teaching me very little. In Maths, even when you won't be using a method, the logic behind the method trains your mind to approach problems a certain way, which is good. With AI, it's just a case of getting nothing but this useless knowledge out of it. Which isn't really what I want.

I can see it all now, getting some job in computers, which isn't at all what I want to do. I've had my little "making kids toys" plan for ages, and I hope to flesh that out a little bit by perhaps doing it as my AI final year project - a working simulation of the toy. It'd be kinda like The Sims, only it'd be physical. It'd have to be dirt cheap too, because I hate the idea of toys that some kids can't afford. That's not how the world is meant to work when you're a kid. As adults, we might have to accept our economic standing, but children shouldn't be limited by the circumstances of their parents.

But I know what I really want to do, stupid as it may sound. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to play guitar, I want to draw, I want to write, I just want to create. Never going to happen, sadly, but that's what I want to do.

I'd love to sing properly so much. To be able to reliably hit notes, oh that would be wonderful. To have the sort of range I'd need to sing a song without going crap, that would also be good. It's been said by people that I have a nice voice - just not for singing. Perhaps I should just stick to speaking and become a politician or something, eh... :o\

Dancing? Well, I can tell you straight off that I have no coordination whatsoever - I could never dance. Which is a real pity, because ever since seeing Danny John-Jules (who is now 41, which is weird) dance in the video for Tongue Tied (from Red Dwarf), I've wanted to be able to move like that. There's one part especially, where he goes from kneeling, into a twirl, and then doing this slide along the floor on the tips of his toes with his other leg outstretched. Hard to describe, but it's like wow... Wish I could do that...

Playing guitar... This might be what I have my best shot at out of all those things, ish... Ignore the recordings, it's me over-reaching. I'm certainly no bassist, lead guitarist, or vocalist, and yet I try to be, which ruins the rhythm guitar, which I play fairly well, ish. Well, not yet, but there's the makings of a decent guitarist under there somewhere. Two years ago, the strings on my guitar could be a quarter step out from where they were meant to be in both directions, and I'd still never be able to tell. I was really bad at telling if my guitar was in tune. These days, I've managed to train my ear a little bit, and can more or less tune by ear, which is a lot better than I used to be able to do. When I sit down with a song, I can tell you how many frets apart two notes are, and can generally play stuff. I have an okay understanding of how to construct chords, what changing different notes does to the sound, that sort of thing... I can sometimes sit down with a song and figure it out. Simply by looking at where I was with guitar two years ago, I figure that if I keep up that sort of level of progress with my learning, I could get actually good. Just have to stick at it, I've not yet hit any walls I can't get past, I don't think...

Then again, there's drawing. Above the computer at home is what I would consider a decent drawing that I did once, although there are very few of those indeed... I used to be okay at 3D modelling on the computer too, as evidenced here, which was a complete scene, with animation and everything... Those R2 units were actually more complicated than the ships, although you can't tell... Or there's the stuff drawn by hand, like this.... I mean, it's not beyond my reach. But I've not drawn anything in months, and wouldn't know where to begin. Plus, I tend to go through a whole pad of paper just to get one good drawing out of it, making it very expensive.

And finally, I want to write. Along with playing rhythm guitar, this is probably the thing I'm most likely to end up doing, if I manage to actually do what I want to do in life. I personally can't see the appeal of my writing - it's just my thoughts written down as they occur, there's nothing especially good about it as far as I can tell, but if others disagree, then I won't complain. However, I don't see how I can turn it into anything much - short of submitting something to someone and having them get me to write a book or column, there's not much I can really do with writing. And I doubt anybody would have me do either of those before first getting some actual experience of writing, which (beyond the 3000 posts in this thing) I don't have, and am reasonably unwilling to get. I don't write well if I'm not in control of what I'm writing about. If somebody says "write about this", I can manage about three lines. If somebody says "write about anything", lo, a 3,000 word essay springs up. Infuriating.

Anyhow, for some reason, that all made me feel better. Probably because in amongst all those "I can't do this" bits, there were a couple of concessions that maybe all is not lost, that maybe I will be able to salvage something out of this life, and that maybe I'm not as big a loser as I feel.

Note to self: If I can't work through next week's seminar work beforehand, then I'm not going. I don't need my self-confidence trashed in groups of 8-12 people on a weekly basis.... I'd sooner stay home playing guitar or writing...

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danny john jules is 41. wow. he's only 10 years younger than my dad.

I have issues with him

there's danny as Cat
but then there's danny as Barrington.

and then i get confused and have this whole other entity called Cattington

He was also Barrington?

Damn, I never realised/knew that..

hehe i didn't realise till they repeated maid marion recently and i got very very confused...

Pfft, I've known all along, although I had a hard time getting my head around it for a long time - he's actually a really good actor, he takes the two roles in very different directions, and even after years of knowing it, I can't actually see it when I look at either character.

Kryten: I suggest switching from blue alert to red alert.
Cat: Forget red alert, let go up all the way to brown alert!
Kryten: There's no such thing as brown alert.
Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute. Just don't say I didn't alert you!

hehe i might have known if i hadn't been about 8 when i had last seen Maid Marion.... :P

but oooh. yes. RRRRRRRRAR

Hey, I was 8 when I saw it too... But I still worked it out. I'm a freak like that :o)

but if you were 8 then i must have been 6...

I can't remember how old I was, but I do know I have about 3 or 4 cartoon story books of it upstairs. :-D

most writers of books are not given a subject to write about. especially first time writers and very successful writers. they simply choose to write, and then submit the finished product to an editor. truly, thats it.
ok, ok, so its a little more complex than that. make sure you have a dozen copies and send one to every major publisher you can find an address for. helps to get to know an editor of some kind. but i digress.
just do it, thats all. for the moment, it is something you will hafta do in your free time, as it may be. someday, it will be something you have the time to do on a constant basis. butcha gotsta start now.
the same applies to guitar. being a musician, and knowing way too many myself, i have a goodly idea of how things tend to work. a. you get together with musically inclined friends, have a lot of fun banging away at wood and string, and perhaps realize "hey dude, we sound good!" then yall start playing with your own musical ideas,a nd next thing you know, youa re playin on stage (the blond hair/blue eyes will work well for you there, lol) b. you learn, and play, and make things up, and sometime you hear about a band looking for a guitarist, and you put yourself out there, and play for them, and it clicks. b is usually more successful than a.
i wish i could hear you play. :))

Thanks for the advice :o)

There's various examples of my songs posted on my journal over the last couple of days if you're interested, but none of it sounds that great :o)

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