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(no subject)
2012
unknownj
I wonder when it was I actually grew up... I think I always had an idea of what it was like to be a grown up, but lacked the experience of living that way, and just hung around between being a child and an adult. I rarely did those things that kids can do and get away with, but which adults could never pull off. I rather regret that in some respects - I know people who had a lot more fun than I did during their teens, and yet managed to turn out okay in the end, despite the fate which I had thought was waiting for them... I somehow managed to convince myself that all the people who messed around in lessons, or drank before 18, or all these various harmless things were gonna drop out and fail and become losers or something. It made me feel better about not being fun.

I blame being so shy, to be honest. I lacked the social skills to get anywhere - I was too afraid to talk to people I didn't know, for various reasons. In turn, I blame primary school - that moment when I went from being the most popular kid in the entire grade to being the least popular. How I got popular I don't know, but for a year or so there, me and my friend Stuart were the most liked kids there (unless my memory is playing tricks on me). All the girls in the class took a vote on who was the best looking, and the two of us came joint first. That was cool, and if it had stayed that way, things would have been really different...

But, as is always the way with these things, it didn't stay like that. Somehow I went from that, to a situation where pretty much everybody in the class hated me except for one kid - this boy called Kevin. He stood up for me when nobody else would. Things got better from that point, but still, it kinda killed my confidence having everybody hate me for no reason at all. I was probably in a class with a teacher who recognised that I was (not wishing to sound less-than-modest, but...) rather a lot smarter than the other kids in that class. While I conformed and was average, they all loved me. As soon as I got put in a maths group all of my own because their stuff was too easy, they hated me. It's really that simple (at age 10, it's not like it was going to be anything complicated)

So anyway, yeah, that kinda destroyed my confidence. And throughout my teens, I desperately wanted to be about thirty - I wanted to be out of a school scenario, and just be thirty years old, married, with a kid on the way, a nice job, a house, company car.... I wanted to be an average grown up and missed out on being an average teen. Which sucks. Took me a long time to catch up, really, but I think I'm there now.

A conversation with an old friend earlier just reminded me that I'm capable of acting like an emotionally mature, reasonable, compassionate adult. Which was certainly a shock, let me tell you ;o)

I used to think that if you knew how adults acted, and copied them, that made you one. But it's fast dawning that all one has to do is act in whatever manner is appropriate to the circumstances, and to who you are, and as you get older, that behaviour tends towards that of your average adult. Society conditions you to do it, if you're receptive enough to all the pointers...

Anyway, just some random thoughts... I don't know where any of it comes from really....

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Anyway, just some random thoughts... I don't know where any of it comes from really....

That little part of your mind that never gives up and stores everything you've ever thought and/or done.

It always knows when to open the door *nods*. :-)


Mine opens the door far too often - mercifully, I'm not within convenient reach of my journal most of the time, otherwise I'd be bothering people a lot more :o)

I'm nearly always within reach of my journal.
No one has started taking me off their friends list yet, so I can't be THAT boring.

Everything gets written down in one form or another, either on here, or on paper or just in an email.

I'm gonna collect them all up one day and bind them as "The Random Thoughts of Al"

Make a fortune :-D

i like that post. about confidence, childhood ...hm yeah

What's it like to grow up?

I'm still lingering on the cusp of childhood...

It's weird. Very weird. I suddenly feel as though I'm responding maturely to situations (most of the time)... I kinda miss being able to be stupid, and then being able to rationalise it. These days, if I do immature or unwise things, I always feel like I ought to have known better...

your interior monologue makes interesting listening, gentlemen.
::quits the twisting of red dwarf quotes::
last time i wrote about my childhood, the person i was writing to totally ignored it. heh. :P but i can relate to that in some ways. hehe. i got booted up a class because of smartness too, but at the time i was convinced it was because i copied maths answers from my friends, who were better at them. ;)
i went to five different primary schools, and when you're a kid you only ever just be yourself... usually, anyway. so i was my kid self at these five schools, and only at one of them did it seem like *everyone* accepted me. that was the poor-area multi-cultural multi-faith state school. i really liked it there; i was just popular and people respected that i was smart, and liked my fledgling talents as an artist (arf). then i moved down south because of my dad's job, and spent approximately six years as the butt of verbal ostracisation. hang on... why am i ranting in a comment box? sodomise me with a two-by-four...

Hey, you're only allowed to stop ranting if you continue it somewhere else that I have access to - I was reading that... :o)

i'm not really interested in picking it up again though. my mind was just wandering; there's no repressed angst or anything. the next bit isn't very interesting anyway, "then i grew up a bit and started to deal with my social problems, and i mostly did, though i still get mild anxiety sometimes, and my social skills are still a little lacking, and my very vocal humour is partly intended to cover this up."

also, i lie like scum. i only went to four primary schools.

oi fucker that was mean it was just getting good and you bloody stopped!!

you should rant about that more or something.. sounds like you need it ::nods:: hmm i think i rant too much tho :S

Your definition of "getting good" is where Shanu's life takes a turn for the worse? Interesting..... :o)

yeh sorry i'm a morbid fucker :P

i'm not really interested in picking it up again though. my mind was just wandering; there's no repressed angst or anything. the next bit isn't very interesting anyway, "then i grew up a bit and started to deal with my social problems, and i mostly did, though i still get mild anxiety sometimes, and my social skills are still a little lacking, and my very vocal humour is partly intended to cover this up."

also, i lie like scum. i only went to four primary schools.

::giggles:: i think i went to 3 but i also did the whole middle school thing :P

from the age of 9-13 ::nods:: then i went to high school and then after two terms i came over here and went to secondary school ::nods:: i'm so confused by schooling you would not believe!!!

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