Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Get Fit with The Unknown James
2012
unknownj
That's right, I'm bringing out my own video. And no, contrary to popular belief, it's not porn. Me? Doing porn videos? What will they think of next? ;o)

No, it's Get Fit with The Unknown James(tm). In four easy steps, you too can inexplicably lose body fat, while making up for the weight by putting on muscle. Here's how:

1. Stop Eating
Become accustomed to only eating once every two days, and over a period of about ten years, train your metabolism to do as you wish. Show it who's boss.

2. Stop Exercising
With the exception of a few stomach crunch type things, and the occasionally brisk walk, stop partaking in any form of exercise - it's not helping, you know, and given that you no longer eat, it's probably bad for you...

3. Sleep 12 hours a day, and spend your waking time sitting in front of the TV or computer
There's no point in even leaving your room - have friends or family bring you what you need to survive, and leave you to your sedentary lifestyle.

4. Begin Binge Eating
Just when your body is starting to suggest to you that you should start eating more than once every two days, start eating vast quantities of chocolate, sweets, and fatty foods. Whatever you do, don't throw up afterwards - there's a word for that. Just eat lots.

If it can work for others, it can work for you. Here's a sample testimony from... well... me...

At first, I was doubtful of the effectiveness of this scheme. After being skinny for a long time, by Christmas, I had put on about twenty pounds, and a lot of it was around the belly area. Something had to be done, so I paid The Unknown James the required $50.00 per day, and started following his plan. I stopped eating, stopped doing anything really except walking to the shops, and lost all traces of body fat, while still maintaining my healthy weight. These days, I'm even capable of tensing my pectoral muscles, which I didn't previously know existed. I owe it all to the Get Fit with The Unknown James(tm), although I'm still not entirely sure how it works.

So don't delay - hand over your bank and credit card details today, and you'll be billed according to how much money^H^H^H^H^H weight I think you should lose. It's free to join, and just $4/hr, so don't wait - start being a lazy bum, and become fitter anyway.

This message was brought to you in part by the US Military - helping opress people of other nations, cultures and beliefs since 1812...

  • 1
James ... where on earth do I start! Ummm I think best that I don't! ;0)

Seriously though, I was in the shower this morning (never the way you want a conversation to start) and for the first time in my life, I was able to tense my pectoral muscles, and could actually feel the difference. It was a whole new experience for me, and highly surprising, since I've been really unhealthy lately :o)

Heh well thats probably more to do with your physical development than your health regime (heh).

Especially the bit about not eating - that has the opposite effect on your metabolism. It will start to go into starvation mode after about 8 - 12 hours without food and actually starts conserving body fat.

You need to keep your metabolic rate up to stay slim believe it or not so little and often in terms of food is the key. It helps if it is healthy as well.

Stop exercising? Well it depends on what you do ... but fat burn exercises are what give you shape and tone ... that means running, swimming, cycling, cross training etc etc ... if you wanna tone up specific areas of the body you need to ditch the machine weeights and go for light dumbells and free weights and keep the repetitions up as high as possible. I ususally work around 7 - 10Kg dumbells (occasionally 15Kg for may strongest areas) and just blat out the reps until you feel the burn.

This will not give you muscle contrary to popular belief as you are not overstressing the muscles and thus causing the scar tissue that makes muscles bigger. All you are doing is stripping away the layers of fat from around the muscle.

It works even better if you have pushed your heart rate up before hand to about 60% of maximum (which for me is about 130-140 bpm but will be lower for you as you are younger).

Stomach crunches are ok as long as you do them fast and controlled ... slow crunches again just build muscle!

Sleep 12 hours a day ... oh how I wish! :0)

Binge eating ... only in a kebab house late at night otherwise not advisable.

Now I know this was not a serious post but I thought it gave me a chance to waste some more time when I should be in the ... ummm ... Gym! ;0)

Pectoral muscles are great to have (and I have too much of them) but you need to make sure you capture the bottom part of the muscle. Even if fat burning. This is dead easy ... if you are pressing bars or bells (ahem) you just need to make sure your head is inclined - this helps to place the blood in the right place when exercising to give you that curl under the pectoral rather than the fade into the belly!

Ahem anyway ... I ma now off to the gym ... ooooh I smell coffee! :0)

You need to keep your metabolic rate up to stay slim believe it or not so little and often in terms of food is the key. It helps if it is healthy as well.

Each pound of muscle that you have burns between 40 and 60 calories per day just as a basic metabolic requirement. The only realistic way to raise your metabolism is to create more muscle, by using weights or machines. "Eating healthily" is also a recommendation. A high-protein and complex carbohydrate diet is what would be considered healthy for this type of excercise.

If you wanna tone up specific areas of the body you need to ditch the machine weeights and go for light dumbells and free weights and keep the repetitions up as high as possible. I ususally work around 7 - 10Kg dumbells (occasionally 15Kg for may strongest areas) and just blat out the reps until you feel the burn.

The best way to tone your body is through a combination of free weights and machines, performing 3 sets of 12 excercises to failure with each excercise that you perform. Combined with three 20 minute sessions of cardiovascular excercise per week.

This will not give you muscle contrary to popular belief as you are not overstressing the muscles and thus causing the scar tissue that makes muscles bigger. All you are doing is stripping away the layers of fat from around the muscle.

It is impossible to spot reduce fat, as the fat around muscle does not 'belong' to that muscle. IT is only possible to burn overall fat. Also, 'scar tissue' is not created through lifting weights. Micro-trauma occurs within the muscle, which is then repaired (provided sufficient protein is available). That is why muscular soreness occurs. Scar tissue is an entirely different thing.

It works even better if you have pushed your heart rate up before hand to about 60% of maximum (which for me is about 130- 140 bpm but will be lower for you as you are younger).

True for warming up, but for cardiovascular excercise you should be aiming for about 80% - 85% MHR (Maximum Heart Rate), which for me (21 yr old male) is 160 - 170bpm.

Stomach crunches are ok as long as you do them fast and controlled ... slow crunches again just build muscle!

Untrue. The correct form for crunches is slow and controlled. To make stomach muscles show through, the fat around them must be burned away with a combination of intensive cardio, and a low fat/carb diet.

Sleep 12 hours a day ... oh how I wish! :0)

Sleep is important with resistance excercise of any kind, although 8 - 10 hours per day is a more realistic figure.

Binge eating ... only in a kebab house late at night otherwise not advisable.

True.

Now I know this was not a serious post but I thought it gave me a chance to waste some more time when I should be in the ... ummm ... Gym! ;0)

Pectoral muscles are great to have (and I have too much of them) but you need to make sure you capture the bottom part of the muscle. Even if fat burning. This is dead easy ... if you are pressing bars or bells (ahem) you just need to make sure your head is inclined - this helps to place the blood in the right place when exercising to give you that curl under the pectoral rather than the fade into the belly!


You should make sure that not only your head is inclined or declined, but that the entire body is inclined or declined, by no more than 40 degrees either way. Press in a slow and controlled pattern, lowering the bar to contact with the nipples, then up to almost full arm extension.

Ahem anyway ... I ma now off to the gym ... ooooh I smell coffee! :0)

Coffee aids the burning of body fat. It's well worth having a cup 20 minutes before excercise as it releases fat into the bloodstream, which the body can then burn.

Above all else, remember that with resistance excercise, form is key.

EEK Thats why we didn't win the final of the National Rowing Championships ... all those years of training (and our five coaches) were all wrong!

If only you were out of nappies at the time ... maybe we could have won! :0P

Eek one amendment to the bollox above ... your heart rate at 60% will be higher as you are younger and not lower! My Bad! :0P

Just being picky, but doesn't oppress have two p's in it? :-P

(I'm probably wrong, in which case I'll go bug someone else)

I don't know - neither of them looks right to me, so I'll go with the most simple solution - just leaving it how it is until another person corrects me :o)

*lol*

you sound like me so much in that.. except with the eating thing. I live at home so get meals. No doubt I will be like that at Uni though... when eating involves some kind of effort.
When my mum goes away for a week or so I don't eat much except toast and fruit...

I know, as soon as you live away from home, eating just becomes a chore. It just gets really difficult if you're a bit lazy, and here's why.

Firstly, you have to make sure you have stuff in the kitchen. Because I'm lazy, I only go shopping when I need to, and only buy as much as I need. Basically, that means that I only shop when I have no food, and I only really buy bread and butter, and sometimes grapes.

Secondly, you have to actually make the food. It doesn't come to you. For me, this means I have to leave my room, walk downstairs to the kitchen, get food out of cupboards, start preparing it.... Frankly, not going to happen. It takes nothing short of a dire bladder emergency, or the verge of starvation, to get me to leave my room. Except at night, when I walk around outside, but that doesn't get me fed either, so...

Plus, if you're me, there's the fear factor. Every second you spent in the kitchen cooking is another second when Alex or Harry might either try to engage you in pointless conversation, or alternatively, try to knife you. Much safer to live in my room, and binge off chocolate :o)

And when I do eat, it's grilled cheese, which cannot possibly be good for me... Although my version is healthier than the standard stuff - mine has herbs, pepperoni, sausage and bacon in it :o)

</tangent>

Excellent point. I know I live like that, people make fun of me, but hey. It works right? I'm not the most healthy person either, bu it works for me. I hope it's all good with you, now I'm going to go back to bed, I've caught myself pneumonia. Lucky eh?

Alexa

you dont kno me....

(Anonymous)
ohhhh sex!!! u r very sexified....i like ur eye brow ring alot and it makes me hornerific!! oh dear...just thought ud like to kno...

Re: you dont kno me....

(Anonymous)
LISTEN BITCH, HES MINE. YOU CNA'T HAVE HIM!

Re: you dont kno me....

I can assure you that wasn't me..

Though I will take care of the next one ;)

Re: you dont kno me....

(Anonymous)
Is anybody else slightly disturbed by this? Or is it just me?

Knowing my luck, it's just me.

Alexa

  • 1
?

Log in

No account? Create an account