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And now, for something completely different...
2012
unknownj
I know you all want to read 3000 words of crap that I just wrote from scratch this evening, so here goes...



Adjective Army FIQ

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Introduction
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Hello and welcome to the end of the universe. If you'll please take your seats and get comfortable, then we can begin the process. It won't take long. This is what we call the Adjective Army FIQ - Frequently Ignored Questions. Really, it's an excuse to put a different vowel in the middle of the acronym - coming soon: the Adjective Army FEQ. Here's the standard disclaimer:

Contains Sarcasm, Irony, and a certain degree of Plagiarism. If you are allergic to any of these elements, do not consume this FAQ. In the event of accidental ingestion, please seek immediate medical advice from the nearest hospital. In the event of an overdose, lie on your back waving your hands in the air - it's going to be fatal, but you may as well die looking stupid.

Any similarities between this FIQ, and FAQs or FUQs, living or dead, is purely coincidental. I promise I haven't got a window open for each of the old versions and that I'm just copying the least funny bits from each one. No, honest.... ;o)

The author cannot be held responsible for anything. Ever. The author is blameless. He lives an innocent life, and doesn't need your shit. Having said that, standard procedure is to hold me responsible for everything, so you can safely ignore this paragraph. If in doubt, accuse The Unknown James and hope for the best. If that fails to work, post his home address on Usenet until the bad man goes away. Can I let you know in advance that this won't work - for starters, my home address is *not* in Oxfordshire, and hasn't been since I left home a couple of years ago. I now live in Brighton. Unless a home address you find for me includes "Brighton", then chances are, you've got the old one. I only tell you now to avoid confusion later, when I've inevitably pissed you off to the point where you want to track me down.

This FIQ was last updated sometime in the year 2002. The FAQ was for 2000, the FUQ for 2001, and now a FIQ for the new year. I'd be more specific, but at the time of writing the introduction, I have no idea when I'm going to actually finish this thing, if ever. As such, I wouldn't want to guess. I'm hoping it'll still be 2002 when I'm done, but I'd not count on it if I were you.


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Table of Contents
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There is not contents. Right now, there is no content. Do you see how that works? How can I write a table of contents before I have written the FIQ? If I have the energy at the end, I may come back and write a table of contents for you, but chances are, I'll make it misleading and confusing, just to spite you. Trust me, by the time I get to the end of the FIQ, I will hate you, the reader, with all my heart. You little bastards, enjoying my creativity (kinda) and sense of humour (infrequent though it may be). I'm coming to kill you all.


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Who or What is an Adjective Army?
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We're a team of super-geeks who participate in grammar contests. Either that, or we're the collective regulars of the newsgroups pertaining to the Westwood RTS games. You can tell us from the regular peons in those groups by observing that we all have nifty Adjectives in our names. For example, (assuming that this FIQ is being posted by the person who wrote it), I am The Unknown James.


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How does an Adjective Army start?
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Back in the summer of 1997, there was an abundance of intelligence on Usenet. This may be hard for the users of today to believe, but please try, it's important to the rest of the story. This surplus intellect manifested itself in the form of three men in the newsgroup alt.games.redalert. These men went by the names of Brian Lui, Chen Sin Huan, and James Webley. Or, as they were better known, The Legendary Burghy, The Mystical Xinhuan, and The Unknown James, respectively. Now, they noticed within a very few weeks that their names all followed a similar pattern (I told you they were smart, didn't I), and realised what they had on their hands - an Adjective Army.

Within the next little while, new members were recruited - among them, The Maniacal Kit, The Mythical Alex, The Arcane Chas, The Inane Dirk and The Obdurate Ozjish. There are others, but frankly, they're a bit pants and I like to pretend they don't exist whenever possible. Then there are the fakers - people who use Adjectives but are no part of the army. These include such wannabes as "The Cryptic Syrius", "The Profound Eol" and "The Astute Andrew/Evolvedmind". These people are to be flamed like the losers that they are.


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So you guys play video games?
*****

Our initial reason for coming together was indeed a common interest in certain computer games, but we've grown beyond that (to the point where few of us tolerate on-topic discussion in our "home" groups). At present, our reason to be appears to be to annoy the crap out of those people we consider below us. Odds are, if you're bothering to read this literature, then I consider you below me. There's a subtle difference between us and trolls - we're better. You'll come to see this in time.


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So you guys own these groups?
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Not as such, no. We just dominate them by posting more than other people. And sometimes with whips. See, I look so good in leather and chains... But I digress. However, we have certain rules in the groups we post to, which we like people to try to stick to - it prevents us having to flame you and such, which can upset and offend.

For starters, our groups are within the alt.* hierarchy, and as such, have no strict rules - their charters are typically years old and as such are reasonably out of date, and their FAQs aren't posted often enough to maintain any sort of order. We like it this way. Don't try to bring us on-topic, because we're under no obligation to stick to any sort of topic at all.

In a similar vein, if you ask a question and we respond with irrelevant (but highly amusing) babble, don't get all angry with us - we're not obliged to answer your questions, and will only do so if we wish. If you get cross, it just makes it less likely that we'll help you. Bear this in mind.

Don't spam us - we already know the best porn sites, the best "warez" sites, and the best sources of penis enlargement available over the Internet. We also know how to obtain vast sums of money for an initial investment of just $5. If you try to tell us where to find any of these things, we will not be pleased.

No binaries, please. I don't personally care, I'm sat on a DSL connection 24/7, and couldn't care less if you spam my group with binaries. But there are people on dialup, and out of pity, I will protect them with extreme force if need be. Some people still pay for their online time - please respect this by not posting binaries to our groups. Similar rules apply to HTML posts. It's just easier if you comply and don't aggravate us, it really is.

The regulars of our groups are typically the people who are willing to devote their time to the topic of the group. Just because we may be unwilling to help newbies with moronic questions (there's documentation to deal with most of their queries), this does not mean we lack any knowledge of the topic of the groups. Whether you like us or not, it's probably better for you if you treat us with respect - it's more likely that you'll get respect back in return. Feel free to ignore any regulars you particularly dislike.

Responsible posting is the responsibility of the posters to these groups - if you post without reading the relevant FAQs for the group, you will be flamed, and nobody will care. Also, please lurk a little before posting unless you have an immediate need for an answer. In this case, try using Google's newsgroup features (http://groups.google.com) to see if the answer has been posted lately. A quick search will take less time than waiting for a response from the newsgroup anyway.


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So who are you all really?
*****

There are effectively four founding members of the Adjective Army. They are The Legendary Burghy, The Mystical Xinhuan, The Dark Samurai, and me, The Unknown James. In addition, the following members deserve a mention for long service - The Mythical Alex, The Maniacal Kit, The Arcane Chas, The Inane Dirk, and The Obdurate Ozjish. It's difficult to maintain a list of all the members, since many have stopped posting - try to just bear in mind that if it has an Adjective, and a sense of humour, it's one of us.


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So let me get this straight, you're in charge?
*****

Hard to tell. The driving personality behind the Adjective Army is certainly mine. I've met more of the members than anybody else, and spoken on the phone to several more. Typically (although not exclusively), people get into the Adjective Army by being likeable to me - they will generally have a similar sense of humour to my own, and be people I can get along with. I sort of hold the whole thing together, in a sense. The fact that many of them choose to follow The Arcane Chas doesn't trouble me - I am aware of my importance, and am secure in it. Plus, he's getting old awfully quickly, I doubt he'll be around much longer.


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So can I have an Adjective?
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Hell no. Now that's out of the way, let me explain why...

The Adjective Army is a rather exclusive club. It's a collective of friends, more than anything else, and as such, strangers are unlikely to get in. Inclusion tends to rely on us liking you as a person, liking your sense of humour, and feeling that you can add something to our collective. Generally, if you do as we do for a while, we're likely to let you in eventually. If you help out in our newsgroups (and don't top post), then this will also help us to like you. Try to be vaguely amusing, if you can, it never hurts.

Of course, we can't stop you just changing your posting name to include an Adjective - that would be silly. Just bear in mind that adding an Adjective doesn't automatically make you look cool - for example, look at The Cryptic Syrius - he's just as humourless with an Adjective as without. Similarly, The Astute Andrew is, despite his Adjective, pretty much as far from Astute as one can be. People can generally sense a faker by looking at our reactions to that person - if the person is being flamed, then they're either not really an Adjective Asshole, or they're me. I seem to take flak from everybody these days... :o)


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Has anybody told you guys that you've got something of an attitude?
*****

It has been mentioned in passing, but not by anybody whose opinion really counts. You'll come to realise that if an opinion contradicts ours, then it probably doesn't count. After all - we're smarter than you, we understand how things are better than you do, and are in a better position to assess reality (despite how it may look to the casual observer).


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So what do you guys actually do?
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We, as a group, exist to annoy the Hell out of others. To impose our ideas, experiences, opinions and humour on their lives, in an effort to better them as people. Oh, and Adjectivization.

Now, put quite simply, Adjectivization is the application of us to another group. That is to say, we take the regulars of our group, transplant them into another one, and see how it all works out. Every so often, we'll select a newsgroup that we feel would benefit from a change of direction, or seems to need lightening up. We tend to have a few rules in order that this process is at least a little organised.

1) No pissing about with posting names. If people want to killfile us and miss out on the experience, then let them. They'll still see our posts when others reply to them anyway, so let them keep their illusion of us not really being there.

2) No overly personal attacks. It's not funny to rip people to shreds without suitable justification, it's just mean. Not that we're not mean anyway, but you know, we try to be mean *and* funny :o)

3) We'll not stay for too long. Mostly, this is because you're likely to bore us, but also, we don't wish to be a permanent fixture of the group, or force any of the regulars to leave. A week is more or less the longest we should typically stay (although if the group proves to be interesting, some of us might stay on as regulars ourselves).

Remember, no trip has been wasted if you make new friends, annoy more people, and end up in a few killfiles.


*****
Help! How do I get these Adjective things off my leg?!
*****

It's quite simple. We're not here to upset you, we're here to have fun, and perhaps (if you're sufficiently open minded), entertain you. If you don't like it, sod off for a week, or killfile us, we don't really care. Don't complain to our ISPs - those of us whose ISPs you can trace will probably not care, since we're doing no actual harm to anybody, and off-topic in alt.* is hardly unheard of...


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Are there support groups for this type of thing?
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Feel free to contact any of our past "victims". These include:

alt.games.grand-theft-auto
alt.seduction.fast
fr.soc.politique
alt.www.webmaster
alt.games.starcraft
alt.babylon5.uk
alt.music.prodigy-the
alt.startrek.vs.starwars
alt.music.placebo

Of those, we currently have regulars in at least five of those groups, since we liked them so much. Nobody really minds, either - if you put up with us during the initial stages (when the message count hits about 100 per 10 minutes), then you'll grow to love us. Trust me :o)


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I smell troll
*****

You missed the comma after "smell". Ha. Ha. Anyway, enough Chas-style humour. So you know, we're not trolls. There are some crucial differences - firstly, we're vastly better in every single way. But also, we're not so much trying to provoke a reaction from you as interact with you. We won't mess with our headers to stop you from blocking our posts, we won't stay too long, and we smell nicer.

Humour is of key importance in posts - it is a far better weapon that simple flames and profanity. Should what a member of the AA says be especially amusing (or indeed, somebody in a group we're Adjectivizing), the quote will be put into the AGRA.EST file - a collection of our more amusing comments. These quotes are collected by The Inane Dirk (when present), or saved for when he *is* present. In addition to humour, good taste is also important. Crossposts to technical support groups are not to be advised - if people require genuine help, it doesn't seem fair to bug them. Queries about how to complete level twelve of Zoigsplatters IV are not requests for genuine help, and may be targeted accordingly should they have comic potential.

We're not trolling you, we're just having fun, and we hope you do too, really we do.


*****
I love you guys - how would I go about stalking you?
*****

Firstly, find a group I've annoyed - no doubt they have a copy of my (old) home address, (old) mobile number, and name. They'll be able to get you started. Alternatively, drop into alt.fan.adjective-army, and we'll welcome you in a fitting manner.

In case you're not aware, AFAA is kinda where we generally hang out - nothing is off topic there because there is no topic. If ever we partake in cascades (and it's not often), we put them there because that way they're out of harm's way - like I said, anything goes there. From time to time, threads from elsewhere are crossposted into AFAA so that we can all enjoy them.


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You're making that up, there's no such group
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If you're unable to subscribe to alt.fan.adjective-army, contact your news admin and ask them to add it to their lits (sic). If they refuse, have them contact me at james@adjective-army.com and I'll sort 'em out. If this fails to work, you can get an excellent news service from Altopia (http://www.altopia.com/) for a minimal fee.


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If I want to avoid you, where should I not go?
*****

The following is an approximate list of all the groups that are "ours".

alt.games.redalert
alt.games.tiberian-sun
alt.games.redalert2
alt.games.redalert2.chris-pay-sucks
alt.games.starcraft
alt.games.the-sims (although they don't actually know it)
alt.fan.adjective-army
alt.fan.kit-is-god
alt.fan.unknownj
alt.fan.zagadka
alt.fan.chrispay.wankerboy
alt.music.adjective-army
alt.music.goo-goo-dolls.adjectivized
alt.2600.underwater.basket-weaving

And probably a good few others... I forget where we've been.


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I have something to say...
*****

Feel free to reply with suggestions on this FIQ, or indeed on the Adjective Army itself. Just bear in mind that nobody is listening.

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I'm looking forward to the FOQ, really ...

*stands by his initial arguments with the annoying spamming gits*

Very good. But it looks awfully familiar! Are you sure you wrote it from scratch that very night?

The Inimitable Woz.

P.S. I don't play any Westwood games as far as I know so ... ?

Yup, written from scratch in that very evening. Although, as hinted towards the start, I had two windows open containing past FAQs, which gave me ideas for how it was meant to go. But the jokes were all new, AFAIK.

  • 1
?

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