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The Hole - Review
2012
unknownj
Witty, entertaining, unpredictable, exciting, scary.

Man, I'm telling you, if I'd seen a film tonight matching that description, I'd have a good deal more will to live than I do right now. Not one single of those words in any way describes the sheer horror of having to watch The Hole. Where to begin in the slamming I'm about to give this film........

For starters, there was no plot. Well, nothing cohesive or well thought out, anyway. Sure, things happened, but the nature of the film made them disjointed, to the point where it just lost any semblance of direction. Which isn't bad, in a surreal movie where it uses that to its advantage, but this film didn't. It moved from one poorly scripted, poorly executed, highly annoying scene to another with little clear reason.

Oh, there was one good thing, I suppose. The whole saga takes place effectively over about three weeks. And that's how long it felt like I was stuck in my chair, unable to walk out for fear of disturbing the other viewers - Go Realism!! Not that they'd have minded, I think half of them were asleep anyway. There were meant to be some scary make-you-jump bits, I think, but the problem was that those were all predictable from about 10-20 seconds before, and thus weren't especially that shocking.

In short, the plot was obvious from the beginning, the entire film was predictable, boring, and not at all scary. The characters had no real character about them, they were just people following a sketchy plot-line, and I came out of there thinking it was the worst film I had seen in a long time. It was so bad, I sent the following SMS to many people:
Do not under any circumstances ever in your entire life watch The Hole, unless you are suicidal and need encouragement to die. I am not kidding.
In closing, it's a horrible movie. The attempted British accent from Thora Birch was painful, Daniel Brocklebank's acting was dodgy at best, the American guy's accent sounded fake, and frankly, the only half decent performance came from Keira Knightley, whose voice was plausible, whose acting was realistic, and who starred in The Phantom Menace. Which is good.

And no review would be incomplete without some comic relief, so here it is. In the film, along with the obligatory tit-shot which has become standard practice in 15-rated films with attractive females in, it seems, there was also a good deal of male nudity. Both instances of nudity were wholly gratuitous, although the female nudity at least gave an extra dimension to the mechanics of the situation. The male nudity was a shower scene which provided nothing other than a backdrop for an unrelated discussion. It is interesting to note that, as far as I could tell, the lead guy in that scene (Laurence Fox) had a... not especially small.... part of his anatomy. However, all the guys around him had tiny ones. Or seemingly (and others have backed up this assertion). Coincidence? Or was the director actually trying to say something in this scene? You decide. And if you've seen it, and noticed that yourself, drop me a line. Or don't. I may not want to hear about guys' dicks, you know?

Um, that was just something small I noticed (forgive the pun), it's not like I was looking overly hard (forgive that one too). There are many other reasons I thought the film was shite, but frankly, I honestly don't think I need to list them. I think I've made it clear what I thought of it, and backed that up sufficiently. Watch this film at your peril. Thank you :o)

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Damn, now I need to work out what film to go see with the lads tomorrow, we were going to see that but I don't think we should now. Although, we do enjoy really bad films, they're fun to laugh at. But, from what you say, it's too bad to laugh at.

It left me wishing I could have those hours of my life back, not to mention my money. It wasn't laughable at all, it was too dark for that - it was just very bad.

You are right it was shite, but two yummy men, Daniel Brocklebank and Laurence Fox...YAY gratitous male nudity!!!! Sorry...

Um, no, not even attractive people (and the females in the film really weren't at all bad) could possibly make up for the bad acting, bad directing, bad writing, and bad film.

This may be true, but it helps dontcha think???? It kept me going for the whole film, no pun intended ;0)

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